The story I don’t want to tell

For a while I have been sitting with this title in my heart. Those that know me well will know it is tough to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I have not written THIS blog for over a week is a WHILE for me.

Partly I didn’t know what the blog would be about although I had many random scary ideas. Some history I think is best left unsaid or at least till the RIGHT TIME.

This morning I woke up at 1:52 and knew God wanted a chat.How? I don’t know how? Those that have experienced this will know that you just know.

HERE GOES. ( dear God am I ready for this)

For years I have woken up , mostly randomly, with the terrifying images of a hectic childhood. Sometimes I can feel the Afikaaner Boer hands over my throat as breathe slips further away. Sometimes I hear the blood curdling screams. Sometimes I just expect him to walk through the door with a knife in a drunken stupor.

This is NOT the point however. The fears that have gripped the heart of a boy have stripped him from puberty to adulthood. All a blur whilst running as far from the nightmares as possible. In my blog CHR 23 I prayed a prayer asking God to do the surgery only he can do. I didn’t expect what I got this morning!

I lay awake, wide-awake, and realised God was actually going to answer this prayer and NOW! 

I started to get that nauseating tremor of terror. 

Over the years I have seen many councillors &  psychologists. Most more interested in the money per hour than being of any real use. Some more interested advising me from their personal struggles. But some I have wondered why when I leave the room I feel like they are disappointed. Those of you that read this I think this is the answer you might have been searching for….Giles Fourie, Ruby Webber, Bruce Vervliet, Ruth of Healing Wings and Pastor Roger of Renown church. You guys I guess knew that the work that needed to be done was larger than I  had patience for.

In the movie INCEPTION Leo plays a mind exploring criminal. For years that movie bothered me. Today I know why.

Psychology is an observational science based on unprovable theories.You cannot prove what cannot be made known. So because the issues are in the the memory they can only be, at best, understood with logical deduction. It is possible then to fool and manipulate the observer. I know….I have for years. 

I didn’t do this deliberately! Survival was a way of life all my life. I learnt to observe for the teeny tiny tell-tale signs of oncoming danger. I would prepare myself to die everytime whilst feeling defeated by the fact that a child couldn’t overcome a giant of a man. My masculinity broken in unfair odds.

Sooooooooo.

I would observe the observer and even the slightest hint of discomfort, falsehood,  and or “doing a job” I would duck and find another. Other councillors I left because they were TOO close to the terror and I didn’t like it because it came with the expectation of death. DO YOU BLAME ME!

This AM I discovered that sometimes psychology fails and why? Because if the patient doesn’t know how to access the darkest room of memory or that it even exists a state of unknowing remains. In my case I had cleverly learnt the process of questioning and could feed the answers that met the criteria. Much to my own detriment…as we all now know.

For years I would still have the memories that would pop up in sweaty dreams or in random heartbreaking conversations and the best answers to them were…memories will eventually not have that effect on you. 

God spoke me through a session of reflection. A stubborn boy wanting to not go down the dark slide into a room he built long ago and has never gone back since. A key that needed to be found to unlock the room. I had no idea what is inside. I tried to play the familiar games of cat and mouse which I have used to test people’s heart integrity for years.Yes you are right Hanlie Raath. I failed and before I knew it I was opening the giant cement block door that I hid under, for years, whilst observing the observer feeding them satisfactory answers. I didn’t want to feel the terror.

The door opens and there are buildings like a library of books….

I guess this surgery is going to take a while….for years I have lived like a sociopath repeating the same mistakes expecting a different result. I am both uniquely curious and calm to discover what gets unpacked out of this hidden MEMORY ROOM…the room that  I had forgotten about…..the room a scared little boy buried the key to in an imaginary cement block that cleverly stopped the stormy weather from killing him but also stopping him from a life of freedom.

THIS IS THE MOST VUNERABLE I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE…and you know what for the 1st  time ever I am not scared. I asked God in fits of terrified tears and tremors  to hold me and take me down my slide of things stored away that only He knows about.

Advertisements

One thought on “The story I don’t want to tell

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s