Fight or die trying

I am so done with plastic anything. We can hide behind labels, muscles and attitudes that we think are sexy. But what we can’t fake is that VIBE we give off when things are amiss. 

You know what I mean?

For the longest time I was amiss. That kind of rotting one finds in the garden where rains have over-saturated plant roots. This sounds so hectic but it’s true.

Let me explain why?

I was 3o and invited to a friends house warming party. Even though many of my clients were there I had nothing to say. It dawned on me that the only thing I could talk about was HAIR. I mean seriously. 

It was a turning point for me. I began questioning  whether I even liked RED, or was it because the “horrorscopes” said my star loved red. Or did I even like myself or people? Was I even creative?

A few weeks later I was in my 1st stint in rehab.

One morning after a bit of a run in with homophobic morons I was in the shower and caught a glimpse of my eyes in the mirror. I got out and stared into those blue eyes. They were so sad. A tsunami of tears flooded my face. I realised that for years I spent my days making others feel beautiful but I was rotting inside. I had never stopped to actually look at myself. Yes yes yes I had moisturised but it was all mechanical. 

It was as if I opened Pandoras box. I just stared crying for what felt like hours. I let the regrets, pains, sorrows, and disappointments wash through me. I also smiled at the fact that I indeed was still standing…..barely but standing.

I had smashed my career to smithereens. What was significant about my career at the time was I had the PERFECT one. I was doing bits of film/ TV,  educating other stylists, fashion, stage, editorial and of course salon. Truly it was every stylists dream career. I guess it will come again. In many aspects it has…..I guess.

It was in this moment that I knew that I had, like so many of us, fallen into the trap of defining myself by what I did. For years I poured out a very special God-given talent on everyone else but never nurtured myself. I HATED THE PHRASE: BE KIND TO YOURSELF? I think I still do. What does that even mean? How does that translate into real life? What is a kinda norm of kind-to-yourself? 

I wrote this poem back then. I hope it helps me and you be kind to ourselves. We are all still standing….so our job is obviously not done YET!

                    FORBIDDEN LOVE

in yours eyes I exist

in your smile I am adored

in your laughter I am valid

in your kiss I am desired

in yours arms I am nurtured

why is my time not your own?

you look past the heart that loves

that heart you call by name

or is arion even its name

love forbidden cast ashore lost lane.

FOR MANY YEARS I HAVE WRESTLED WITH THE IDEA OF SELF-LOVE. If love is what it is then it stands to reason that love cannot say, do and or think anything to hurt itself. Guess my love barometer is a little faulty…….lol.

At 42 I am seeing the truth of: Every end is another beginning….

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