In the open air walking in my secret room; things are unusual. I somehow know that each building is actually a fortress. Not built by me but by God as the answer to a frightened kids prayers. Somewhere in the Bible God threatens those that hurt defenseless kids promising to take revenge on their behalf. How we suffer as people when we move away from our true authenticity….imagine the suffering of offenders. What’s amazing is that I remember in the early days of my life praying for my dad to change…but never wishing him dead. Or praying for myself to change to be perfect or invisible. That came much later when the years of abuse had affected the innocence of naivete.
Still to this day I smell the skin of my sexual offenders and feel the fear of a history long gone. Yuk!
A longstanding friend hit the nail on the head the other day using a word I am to familiar with from council……innocence.
MY INNOCENCE WAS STOLEN VIOLENTLY AND BY THE HURTING!!!!
(or so I thought)
As I write this joy overwhelms me as I am walking through the fortress’s that look like a library of books. Instinctively I know I am discovering the innocence that has been fiercely guarded for many decades.
All I know is that in extreme danger we pull the things most valuable to us closer. Sometimes people even abandon children to save themselves. This instinct is common amongst all humans. Perhaps it is this thread we need to love in each other to fix our broken communities. But I digress.
My scary slide was ominous to avoid me going down it till I was ready to not abuse the hidden treasures that lay beyond the cement door and beneath the fortress’s that look looming but uninteresting.
YOU DON’T DRAW ATTENTION TO THAT YOU WANT TO PROTECT!!!!! (funny….all that glitters isn’t gold)
I think my naivete and innocence are preserved in tact by the God I love and know too well and who has delivered exactly what he promises. Even me having to learn to unlearn myself.
I feel the trickle of a tear well up in me as the burden of reenactment of punishing myself (learnt behaviour) slowly lifts.
I am going to discover what treasures a little boy hid in his fortress he calls FATHER. Treasures that leave that silly giggle in the pit of your stomach…kinda like a surprise you know you want.