In my last rehab stint, the 4th attempt and I think the final one, in Healing Wings in Nelspruit things changed. The boys camp was split into two….the main campus and the Forest campus. As patients graduated through the various levels of the 12 steps and displayed greater levels of self-control and responsibility so evironments were changed. All the while we were being monitored as to how we adjusted to different situations.
Part of our process was labour. Too often addicts like myself fall into slothfulness, laziness and victim thinking. All of these are lies actually. When one has adopted a lifestyle of self-induced destruction the negative consequences can mislead you into believing that you are not good enough for anything. The truth is…WE ONLY KNOW WHAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF IF PUT INTO SITUATIONS WHERE WE CAN DO SOMETHING.
The next step is changing the wrong doing into right doing.
I dismissed myself from rehab 7 months later on this very basis. I knew in my heart that my true battles were not those I did well in, in a controlled environment but how I fared in the real world. I knew I would either end up dead or fly. In some ways I am doing both….dying to learnt destructive behaviour and learning to trust my wings.
During a drive one night back to the Forest House ( it was beautiful…..right in the center of a forest kinda like a big boys hideout fort) and as clear as you are reading this I heard GOD ask me: ” Arion do you want what I can do for you or do you really want me?”
I just burst into tears…I seem to cry a lot around GOD. Guess it is my soul reacting to truth so pure.
Well as I was standing on this truck I realised that the narcissist control-freak in me, in all of us to varying degrees, could not deny that I had been trying for years to bend GOD to my will.
My inferiority complexes wanted GOD to wave the magic wand and make me more manly, sexier, wealthy and famous. What I actually was saying is that I want the money to do what I want; the power to do it with; and the attraction to manipulate others by. This can all be cool if it is used in the correct manner. But when it is fuelled by unresolved humanities like insecurity the truth was I wanted to do to others what they did to me!!!!!
I thought I wanted to help the poor by breaking the chains of greed or help the sick by making decent health care possible for all.
THE TRUTH IS I WANTED TO HAVE THE MEANS; INFLUENCE AND SUPPORT TO DECIDE WHO GETS WHAT.
I WANTED REVENGE.
Back to the truck….
In the moment that I was able to see the wood for the trees I was humbled. I realised that I would be exactly as most others who live those lives are…..and I did not want that power anymore. You see the evidence of misconstrued power/wealth/fame is all around us. Child trafficking and slave labour; racism, sexism, wars, lies, pornography,corruption, and so the list goes on. ( I was stunned when in this relapse I discovered there are live sites where people globally can watch each other have sex……LIVE!!!!)
( NO I DIDN’T TRY IT….I THINK IT IS WIERD AND SHAMEFUL…..something only for the very desperate and broken)
I don’t believe in a 1 World system for this very reason…..until I and all of us have been emptied of our personal agendas and can put the agenda of another’s life and safety etc above our own we will always resort to destructive dictatorships….HISTORY CANNOT LIE…. ( even when we try to lie about history) the very lie shows us to be what we try lying about.
Hence the 12 Step program is about transparency and busting oneself so that we can face our demons and change them for a higher truth.
I wish it happened by the wave of a magic wand.
Gratefully,however, I am glad that GOD thinks I am man enough to fight my own fights. Something a young boy afraid of everything needs to know he can do or forever hide in dingy places, entertaining the masses behind dark sunglasses while the tears of anguish melt into sweat.
No I don’t need the strobe lights and thumping music to give me a purpose anymore.
Falling in love with the FATHER who has delivered me from myself so many times and will do so many more is PURPOSE enough….