Undoing

In the movies ‘Now you see me 1 & 2’ the writers explore the concept of perception. Illusion is a powerful thing. Not only have I experienced that in my own life but witnessed it in others to.

I am no expert on anything. I think if we are really honest with ourselves the same might be true for you too. As I am getting older I realise with greater awareness that I know much less than I like to think I know. Yes I have read stuff written by endless author’s to the point that I cannot help but notice the same ideas regurgitated with a different hat…..it really means very little.

After having seen my dad’s brother drown b4 it happened, my dad being beaten b4 it happened, an acquaintance of our family being arrested for diamond smuggling b4 it happened, my finals matric history exam b4 it happened amongst other things I am not sure this story is ready to reveal yet…..things kinda got quieter. A friend ‘T’ asked me once why do I block this GIFT so much. My only response was that spiritual stuff scared me. When you have experienced the real DEVIL enter a room or be cast out of a body you and 4 guys are holding down you might be too. AS FREAKY AS THIS SOUNDS IT ACTUALLY IS ALL TRUE. For real!!!!!

For years I used to ask myself :”Why me?” The answer is:”Why not?”

Over the years I profoundly always knew right from wrong and have been so sensitive to stuff that it drove me bonkers sometimes. It isn’t always fun to know things people don’t want you to know.Sometimes I just wanted to be like the people, people said I was nothing  like. If I had a R1 for every time I heard the sentence; ” We have never met anyone like you;” I could be luxuriating on a lifelong mid-class vacation. 

I guess the point of it all is that somebody has to get onto the dance floor 1st to make it OK for others to dance…..I was always that guy….always the one being crazier than anyone else as a vehicle to let others just be themselves.

So too is this blog and personal online diary. You see I always teach my clients about the ‘perception/psychology’ of hair length; hair colour; skin tones; personality types and personal style types to educate them to be empowered to make good design choices regarding their look. The truth of how I earn my living is that a look only works when it is worn confidently. Confidence comes from being comfortable as yourself. “Yourself” comes from sifting through the minefields of false perceptions.

Here is an example from my own life….for years because I was always called the moffie, faggot etc I gravitated  towards the places, people and things that made me perceive that I was accepted. I have never really truly fit in with any one thing. I think we all are a knit of everything. Interesting thing is many people have advised me in many ways on the question of finding inner-peace, happiness, success and right being. The ultimate truth came from me going through ‘this and that’ experience be it good or bad to know for myself.

TRUST ME I TRIED INVESTIGATING MANY THINGS. 

Religions, excesses, sabotage as a form of seeking attention, this course, that selp-help thing, dangerous places, and even suicide….to be honest really honest none of it gave me the satisfaction I wanted…. 

ONLY THE DESPERATION TO NOT END UP IN HELL  ( which is not what you want to hear but actually exists…..I saw  a snapshot of myself in it once….) kept me always turning back to GOD…..even when I was disappointed in him. ( it was actually the perception of him that was influenced by my life experiences and under informed knowledge of him that had paraded as a god but was nothing like who GOD really is)

One day 13 years ago ( as GOD does sometimes ) I woke up at 4ish am and knew he wanted to speak to me….I just knew I had to go outside. As the sun began to rise a pink hued row of clouds decorated the horizon.  The midnight blue velvet sky behind me sighed it’s goodbyes to the night. On my left 2 slashes of intense yellow broke through the clouds. It was on this day that I heard GOD whisper that since the dawn of the 1st sunrise and setting of the sun he has never painted the same picture 2x the same. 

Now I have not seen every sunrise or sunset ever but certainly every one of the many I have seen have been different. 

Have you seen 2 that are identical? Even identical twins are different.

He also said that he does this to show us that he thinks we are too precious to paint the same picture 2x. 

GOD DOES NOT MAKE DUPLICATES.

Now many might argue then…But y then does GOD……..

I did the same for many years and still do…I am sure that if everyone could climb into.my memories not only would you see what I am telling you is true but that it is painful pushing true  LOVE away to know for yourself if it is all true. 

I know life happened as it has for me (and I would not change a thing….except to have done ballet) so that I could get to a point of not only accepting that my perceptions are wrong but also  knowing what I am not. I am stubborn and always hope that this time I might cheat the system….I have failed and when I did fly under the radar another catastrophic episode lay awaiting. 

THE 12 STEPS TALK ABOUT LIVING LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS.

You see GOD never chose for the world and it’s people to be like this…..we chose to experience stuff for ourselves. Who cares where Adam and Eve came from or if they were apes or if there were others. The point actually is the story of people choosing to distrust the experience they lived in  (PERFECTION) for the idea of another experience.

Does it still not happen like that? 

It does for me!

I can be perfectly happy with where I am and then an ad/ regaling of a story/ random concept/ and or illusion of my own making will drive me to explore it. Eventually I realise that what I thought would be better wasn’t really for me.

Gullible is what I am and I think most of us are….Within the 1st few chapters of the bible timeline of the beginning days,we are shown a story of people having drunken orgies etc. Guess we are all copycats since then…..so much for being free thinkers….lol.

This is perhaps why after thousands of sexual conquests I can truly say that as of yet not 1 has ever left me feeling more in love with myself. In fact it is an indication of how little I thought of myself. This is no brag and no exaggeration I really have slept with thousands…not actually uncommon in gay circles I can promise you that. I have had bits of fame, money and success and lost it all. Non of it has truly satisfied. None even close to going through a tough experience and making it to the other side. 

At the end of the day…..nothing beats the love I feel when I choose to stand before GOD flawed as I am and beg for mercy for being everything the world taught me to be and not enough of who HE made me to be. 

GOD IS MORE REAL TO ME ( FOR REAL) THAN THE ILLUSION OF A LIFE I HAVE LIVED UNDER FALSE PERCEPTIONS….

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