Closing a chapter….hopefully

4:00 AM I am wide awake and I just know I must read Romans 1. I get out of bed in my room in House of Mercy rehab. A run in with some straights the day before had me frustrated. In anger I went on my knees and told God to prove to me if I was born gay or not. I wanted proof that if anyone ever called me a faggot,  rectum-raver, bum-chum, moffie or whatever else I would not be affected as I would know the truth for myself. 

I WAS SERIOUS! 

I walked into the nursing station and found a Bible.  It was so old it didn’t have a cover and I secretly hoped Romans 1 would be missing. (At this point the only way that I knew Romans was a book in the Bible was because GOD had told me when he woke me that morning) I somehow knew the answer I wanted was not what I was going to get.

I DIDN’T GET THE ANSWER MY BRUISED EGO HOPED FOR….

Romans 1 speaks about the downward spiral of  a loss of morality. But even  though I recognised my behaviour  in much of the words,it was the last sentence  that gave me the answer to my question. The answer that has seen me swing from I am gay to I am not  for nearly 13 years. I was 30 at the time. 

Since I have heard EVERY argument on either side of the closet ….I secretly hoped that GOD would give up on me and just let me be….weeeeeeeell not!

TODAY IN  CHURCH I KNEW THE REASON WHY I HAVE HAD A TERRIBLE WEEK…I HAVE BEEN RESTLESS AND ON EDGE… (EVEN KNOWING THAT I AM FINALIST  IN 2 CATEGORIES FOR HSOTY DIDN’T ALLEVIATE THE SENSE OF DREAD)

A Pastor from Australia mentioned  his 39 yr old son that died after being struck by lightening….he spoke about standing strong in biblical principles even in hardship. SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME LOOK WEAK AND PATHETIC OFTEN IS THAT I CRUMBLE EASILY WHEN TOUGH STUFF HAPPENS. I GIVE GOD UP TOO EASILY…. (even with the constant “showing himself” to me.) Anyhow the thing that struck me was a statement he made….’sticking to ones purpose even in pain’.

I knew immediately that GOD was going to nag me to write this blog/ journal today. Since 10:30 AM I have tried to avoid it….eventually I decided that I was not going to agonise over this for weeks and write MY TRUTH even if others judged me. They do so anyway….tough!

THIS IS MY STORY AND MY EXPERIENCE…..YOUR STORY IS YOUR OWN AND I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. I KNOW THAT I AM LESS THAN FLAWLESS BY A LONG SHOT…

 I CANNOT SPEAK ON BEHALF OF OTHERS BUT THIS IS MY TRUE STORY YOU CAN JUDGE IT FOR YOURSELF!

This sentence played out before me and I saw how over the years I had done exactly as others have to me….”oh just have a drink…it’s just a drink…who cares…live a little…it’s just a line…it’s just sex…..it’s just a orgy…..it will be fun….it’s just a crystal needle….”

At 17 when I came “OUT” I remember weeping when an older gay couple answered my question of why gay men are not monogamous….’it is like being in love with your best friend but you find your excitement somewhere else’ 

I HATED THIS. MY HEART BROKE.

I WANT 1 PARTNER TO LOVE, TO HAVE SEX WITH, TO ADORE AND BUILD A LIFE WITH FOREVER…… 

I got a lot of cheating, lying partners instead. Not all but most!

By my ,then, last big relashionship in 2000 I had heard men say so many times ‘ it is just sex’ or ‘you are the one I come home to’ I wanted to kill them all. I nearly did 2x in absolute rage.

As the despair in my heart grew that ‘monogamous’ was an unlikely truth for me I dug further and further into my addiction. 

ADDICTION WAS MY MESSED UP WAY OF DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT. DRUGS ALSO ALLOWED ME TO BE NUMB’ISH TO PUT MYSELF ON THE ALTAR OF THE GAY SEX UNDERWORLD……USUALLY IN THE FORM OF A SUSPENDED LEATHER SLING.

To frequent gay sex clubs and engage orgies etc…I would take so much chems that half the time I couldn’t perform; or the paranoia would make the people look like monsters or I would want to dance or I would need fresh air…I just am not cut out for “just sex”; much to MANY a man’s frustration….and I mean MANY.

I also had a secret fantasy that if I put myself in dangerous situations I would force GOD”S hand about me being gay and send a knight in shining armour to rescue me. 

THAT IDEA DIDN’T WORK SO WELL.

My addiction grew to serious degrees of destruction….15 grams of Cat 5 days a week….for real. I had tried prostitution (here I snarfed  Tai white ;heroin; 2×……vomited like a dog….hated it…thank God), dealing, manufacturing and suicide….even church or councilling failed hopelessly.

I discovered CAT  at a gay night club called Flight, G, and ran into Crystal Meth lines  2x before loosing my home, car and dignity the first time. 

I swore I would never do heroin or inject needles into my veins. As I had sworn about doing drugs or putting them up my nose or whatever orafice.

Rehab no.1. House of Mercy….I get saved and God drops the bomb that I (I CAN’T SPEAK FOR OTHERS ) was not born gay.

I go into councilling to learn how to UNLEARN BEING GAY…..at the time I was so in love with GOD I wanted to be perfect for him. I prayed that he would take away free choice. Rather a robot for GOD than a “chooser” against GOD! Even putting myself “out there” at a Rivers Church meeting was , in truth, my hope that if I did everything right GOD would wave his magic wand and make me perfect…..I didn’t want to fail…..I did however……I had to learn that GOD is GOD and he knows exactly what he is doing…..even when I don’t. 

I relapse and continue to…..

An amazing family at the time the Colemans pay for rehab no2.

TIME PASSES.

I relapse and lose everything again because I had to choose life (going into rehab)or end up dead ( trying to solve it myself). I had attempted suicide 3 times in those years. 

Rehab no 3 the 1st 3 months paid by the Moolenschots…….Healing Wings Mozambique…

1 1/2 years later I flee from rehab after a very near same sex experience and decide that GOD couldn’t fix me so I would prove GOD wrong.

I relapse on CAT, have my 1st post rehab sex…an orgy and meet my 1st post rehab bf all in 1 night. Here I get introduced to an S&M master to educate me on the ‘ways of Mr Grey’….I was sooooooooo not a good student but my curiosity was pricked. However months later that came to a grinding halt…

2 weeks later I meet the Magistrate Crystal Meth addict. My 3rd encounter with Crystal meth ever.

(I knew the 1st time I ever did a crystal meth line this would be the drug that would kill me….I avoided it like the plague)

 Still I would not allow myself to be injected with needles.

Relationship no.3 followed soon after with a fellow hairdresser that eventually confessed that the only reason he said he was monogamous was because he didn’t know what the word meant after I caught him in bed with a colleague. I mean really!!!! 

Relationship no.4 ended with me booking into rehab no.4 after discovering pictures of Satan on my partners ph and having seen my body in hell being devoured by demons AND meeting a real life Satanic priest. I lost everything again as I had to choose rehab or continue as I was. (Would’ve lost it all in the end anyway)

I WAS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. I was too close to dark spiritual stuff than I ever wanted to be.

Healing Wings Nelspruit was the final answer for me….here I learnt to accept myself as an artist and that did not mean I had to be gay. 

On a weekend out I was invited to Renown Church Edenvale where Pastor Andy Barnard gave a hectic lesson about love…..I knew I had to speak to this man.

I eventually checked out of rehab 7 months later.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THIS. THROUGHOUT ALL THIS GOD LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT MY REHAB 3 balance after 3 months & 4 FEES WERE COVERED IN FULL. I guess that is a sum close to R200000. I have never known who paid….still don’t.

Eventually I got to speak to Pastor Andy. 

As time went by I heard something which I will never forget….THE CHRISTIAN FAITH IS ALL ABOUT GIVING UP THE THINGS THAT HARM US IN EXCHANGE FOR A LIFE THAT IS GIVEN TO US IN LOVE DESIGNED TO KEEP US CLOSE TO GOD WHERE HE CAN PROTECT US.

I was furious with GOD. Why if he had not made me gay (and I can’t or won’t speak of another’s journey….that is their stuff not mine) had he not made me become straight? Had I not tried hard enough? AND HOW DARE HE ASK ME TO GIVE UP LOVING ANOTHER MAN IF I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED A GOOD GAY RELATIONSHIP?

I met my ,now, ex Rich. Rich I love with a love so deep that it breaks me when I think of him.

Anyhow 2 1/2 years later it was over. I had cheated on him….something his councillor had told him I did ,after the 1st time, as a reaction based on what others had done to me. He forgave me. The truth ACTUALLY is….when the crap hits the fan the only thing I know how to do well is prove that I am in control by hurting myself more than another can hurt me…. (messed up I know…but I guess when a father tries to murder their own child, sexual abuse and deep social rejection might teach one that….deepening the negative belief of being unlovable and then proving it so by doing the unlovely)

In my relapse Aug/Sept 2016 that saw me blow R40000 in days I also knew I was again at another broken promise…..NEEDLES WERE IN MY ARMS…..MANY OF THEM.

At 30 in House of Mercy Ruby Weber touched very close, toooooo close, to my inner terror as did GOD in that sentence:”…they approve of others who do the same.” I have influenced others and allowed myself with increased measure to be influenced and intoxicated. 

I have gone from being a 17 yr old young man desperate for 1 man to love me ,and me alone, forever……to eventually treating another poorly and allowing the drug I know will kill me to be injected into my veins. THINGS I SWORE I WOULD NEVER EVER DO. 

I THINK FINALLY I SHOULD RESOLVE TO CLOSE A CHAPTER. FOR ME GAY AND DRUGS ARE A SPIRAL THAT LITERALLY HAS HAD ME IN THE PIT OF HELL. GUESS I NEED TO LISTEN AND LEARN TO GIVE UP; LIKE PASTOR ANDY HAS TAUGHT; MY HARMFUL PATTERNS.

A NEW CHAPTER IS….HOW DO I LEARN TO STAY CELIBATE AND SINGLE?

ANOTHER IS…..HOW DO I LEAVE A LEGACY THAT HELPS ANOTHER TO NOT HURT THEMSELVES THE WAY I HAVE?

Dad

If anyone reading this needs the kind of love only you can give……please please find a way to get them to know and fall in love with you the way you know I love you….if not more….

Please help me and them know that you really do have plans to prosper us and not harm us and that you will make our paths straight…..

In Jesus name

Amen.

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