Spitting Cobra

THE LETTER THAT BECAME A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. (slightly re-adapted)

“Dear ……..

2 1/2 years is not a small stretch of time. There has been love, hate and frustration repeatedly in that time. I feel degraded by your unwillingness to face me so that we can talk through stuff…..something we never really did in our relationship. I feel hurt that you think it is OK to brush me off on a silly excuse of needing time apart to heal when there are so many things left unsaid. And yes healing is necessary…for us both.

I love you dearly. 

I believe that we have not brought closure to our relationship in a proper manner. I carry with me so many things that weigh me down. I have tried so hard to  speak to you so that the healing can be based on truthful resolutions. I am left with questions like: did u really actually love me? Why did he really end this relationship? Did you not see how hard I tried to fit into the teeny tiny space you afforded me in your life? If it is expected that the funding you gave me be given back surely in the same vain I can ask for a proper discussion? Surely? Etc.etc….

I really don’t care about which others you are persueing but when you ignore me BUT  like gay male friends of mine (not yours…..mine) on social media that is really mean. Really! 

I just feel there has been so much secrecy BTW us and I am left feeling like a madman because I don’t have real clarity. This for me does not show love….because in my mind loving someone means wanting to pitch up no matter how difficult to bring peace to things. God knows I kept myself as invisible as I could to keep u happy. I am hurt by you and want to be responsible by talking about the things that worked and didn’t. I do want for you to be happy….truly I do. It seems cruel that you get your desire and I am left with unanswered questions.

Please consider my request. I am also a guy who feels let down in love again as do you. I would like for once in my life to have a better result at the end of a breakup….instead of the burden of:  was I so dreadful a  person? In therapy it is called owning your stuff….I don’t know what my stuff is and what is yours…”

I WAS FURIOUS…..STILL AM!!!!

I take the bait and go for a movie in Eastgate with a mystery guy. I was lonely, frustrated and rejected once again. RAW RAW RAW RAW RAW!

‘Ms Peligrins’ was so apt for my mood. It tells the story of conquering fears and stepping into destiny…..unfortunately unlike me the boy gets the girl.

Mr Banker and I smoke outside at the movie end and begin to chat. Like so many other gay men his life is complex and very sad. As welcome as the companionship is my heart breaks that I cannot fix his life…..even if we became an ‘anything’; which we won’t.

THEN IT HITS…..AS IT USUALLY DOES….THE SPIT OF THAT EVER PRESENT COBRA….MR BANKER IS A PAGAN WICKEN.

MY BLOOD GOES COLD! IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS I AGAIN AM CONFRONTED BY INTEREST FROM A RELENTLESS OPPOSITION. 

Mr Banker turns out to be studying Psychology as well.  Perhaps the best piece of advice that came from the chat….is trust your gut.

So right on sooooooo many levels. 

BUT CAN THERE EVER BE A MOMENT WHERE THE DISTINCT TASTE OF SPIRITUAL WARFARE DOESN’T STAIN MY TEETH WITH ‘ASSAULTING OBVIOUSNESS”

As the chat travels from the arguments of pro/ anti born gay, personal histories, disappointments in love, why gay relationships are so fraught with drug or alcohol or violent abuse or all of the above , gender definitions and ultimately religion I know I have fallen hook line and sinker to the invisible enemy’s destructive antics.

The company was better than the loneliness though.

The sad thing is this…..coming out of rehab years ago I had to cut all my friendships. A handful I see as clients and that is what is safe for me. Perhaps pride or not wanting to appear weak in front of straight men I don’t know how to ask, the friends I should ask,for a shoulder to cry on. That is actually what I need to do. Cry for days till I can’t cry anymore.

Cry not so much for the illusion of another so-called relationship but more for the fact that again as plain as day I see that the next level down the rabbit hole is again towards spiritual death and perhaps even physical death, again a loss of dreams. Again destruction personified. That person being me!

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t see the things I see and know the things I know!!!!!!!!!

IT IS NOT FUN BEING PLAGUED BY THAT COBRA WHOSE SPIT IS JUST OUT OF REACH BUT HOT ON MY HEELS.

A salon owner told me a story once of a friend of his similar to me in some regards. His words ring more true for me everyday:”I guess like my friend you have to live as pure a life as possible….because EVERYTHING  else is hazardous to you.”

I fight back the tears as I read this weekends story. 

Gladly though some good came out of it. I got to work in a full scale kitchen and watch a brilliant chef manage to produce nutrious food for hundreds of people….A great example for me to implement over the next few weeks as I move closer to my competition….ORGANISATION, STUCTURE AND FOCUS!

I guess the gift of a failed response to my request to an ex is now knowing what is waiting around the corner if I don’t keep myself extremely protected and as pure as possible even if it means being lonely.

Dear God please let only what you want for me be what I want for me too. Or as Pastor Andy always says…’May we lose and God win.’

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