Picking sides

As a gorky kid in school I was a slight anomaly. I was sporty trying every different sport to find where I fit in. Usually I was picked last to be on teams until it was discovered I could hold my own. I also tried my hand at the creative stuff and fared pretty well in the analytical stuff too. I was never really popular because I was awkward. Thankfully I have always had a good brain and am highly intuitive so I could figure my way around with minimal casualties. 

I tried being emo…..although it was called goth back then but it was just too sinister for me. A few song lyrics kind of have stuck with me into my adult life. One of them is ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon. Another ‘Heal the World’ by Michael Jackson. Perhaps though the most poignant is ‘Somewhere’ sung by Barbara Streisand. 

Over the years when people ask me what music do I like, my only response is, “If it moves me I like it.” I think though that if music captures my heart that is what sticks irrespective of genre.  Those 3 songs always carry such hope in a humanity I believe in but also devastating levels of despair. Despair because more often than not we are cruel and unkind. I guess this is also what I adore about my faith. The constant battle of trying to do good when the human instinct inclines to be overly self-involved. We even have coined a phrase to prove it, ‘survival of the fittest.’

‘…..take my hand and we are half way there….’ 

The tears stream down my face not so much because I can’t go back to sleep at 2am  as much as it is because I feel an overwhelming sense of pity at how difficult we find it as humans to love each other. I mean yes it is easy to love those similar to ourselves or even those we like or admire but what about the ones  we don’t understand!?

For years I completely shut myself off to Heavy Metal etc. I just bracketed all of that style of expression as violent and dark. But a gorgeous (not so much for his pervy body but more his amazing heart) ex-colleague Louwrens opened my eyes to my narrow-minded way of thought regarding Metal. Granted it is still too hectic for me but I have a different point of view since…..because I don’t understand a thing doesn’t necessarily mean my opinion is right about it either.

 I have done it like we all have….jumped the gun and gone off on a raging tantrum before we even know the proper truthful facts. ( I still feel for sorry people i work with because i can get super uptight super quick…nevermind  the ‘chancer client’….u know the type….I want to be blonde but my hair is snapping to half an inch of it’s life….I mean hello…..NO….or I want volume and straight and no product …..uhm hun your hair hangs by your cute little butt. …I don’t think so….I mean really.) 

For years my worst crime was judging God by Christians and Christians by my perceptions and in turn those perceptions forged out of my life experience. I have been a ‘searching for God truth Christianity’ for neatly 13 years and I have fought kicking and screaming every inch of the way. Trust me on that. I still fight with God on a second-to-second basis. What I have come to understand is that because there is a spiritual war happening over our lives I am/ we are in constant threat of being taken off on the wrong tangent. A lot of people know of this spiritual warfare and use the word ‘Karma’ to describe it…there is a little more to it than consequence though.

I have had to resolve that God is God and he will do has he will….he is God after all. Do I like it….sometimes when it is in my favour…..not so much when not. But through the last 13 years I have yet to experience God as anything but pure love. 

I guess this is why song lyrics like ‘ heal the world make it a better place’ and ‘imagine all the people living in peace’ and ‘ we will find a way of forgiving’ can exist. 

I mean if we understand karma and energy and good vs evil is it so hard to come to terms with a love (God) that promises “to prosper us and not harm us.”

Usually I find, although true at its core, when others say ‘ love yourself before you can love others’ is just an excuse to not be inconvenienced out of their personal comfort bubble…..as for me I am picking the side that dreams of better for all.

Arion what do I need to confront in myself that keeps me blinded in  my love of others?


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