For years I have heard this life philosophy: The closer you get to your goals the greater the obstacles you face. Have you heard this before?
Setbacks whether self-inflicted or beyond your control can easily, deceptively, mesmerise one into thinking less of yourself. I have been there many times and “toned down” to fit in. Even with the greatest efforts, I never have. In fact a person like myself, that has an outgoing, impulsive and idealistic outlook on life can easily be left somewhat wanting! As I have gotten slightly older, wiser, clean and confident the more I realise that EVERYONE is as insecure. A lot can hide it well behind familiar comfort zones.
ALL OF US RESPOND TO LOVE.
The problem is our perception of what love is.
Struggling to beat my demons and deal with myself has taught me a bit. For years I wanted to achieve this incredible accolade Hairstylist of the Year. Finally it happened!!! YAY!!!!
I had to get to a point of knowing what I want! And don’t! Life has a funny way of letting us bang our heads against ‘tough as nails’ walls until we surrender our control. Some of my walls have been: trying to bend the world to my will/ self-critical to the point that it debilitated me/ not trusting myself/ expecting failure/ unworthiness.
Over the last few weeks many things stood in my way from finance to insecurity and everything in-between. I found myself making countless sacrifices to try make my goal a reality.
The goal being ‘having a fighting chance in my competition.’ Bit by bit and plan by plan I got there. Many times my clients had to encourage me to keep going and to keep the faith.
The reward of winning and being recognised for the efforts I made are overwhelming as are the prizes attached.
The biggest reward though is facing my doubts. Doubts both inflicted by myself and from the judgements of others. Seriously I was called a ‘has-been’ and even told to not compete as my work was not strong enough. I nearly died the night before the finals. The underhanded gossiping and killer stares were hostile to say the least.
That treacherous enemy DOUBT leaned in bitterly whispering loudly. ‘You are not good enough…..at your age…..you should withdraw….you will fail….look you are a joke’ You know what I am talking about? Right?
So perhaps the biggest reward is being able to look the enemy in the eyes and stand your ground. Remember that when the onslaught gets nasty that perhaps you must dig in deeper. If in our heart of hearts we know that we know our intention’s are pure then ‘dig in’ we must. Sometimes the sacrifice is REALLY hard!
I want to encourage you.
For years love had to first teach me to love and accept myself by letting me bleed against those walls. Eventually I saw that I was not going anywhere fast doing things in my messed up way. I surrendered. As I have let love take me through my journey I discovered my authenticity. I haven’t got it right many times. No not by a long shot. But I am getting better and better at it…..life.
(The funny thing is that I have also learned that love loves in a considerably more prosperous way)
As I heard my name being called I felt every ounce of my being collapse into itself. Not physically! Just everything else. You see this year I decided to let my own idea rule the roost for my competition. For years by trying to fit in and be recognised I undervalued myself. I tried to do what others were doing instead of doing what was uniquely me. I did what I wanted to do…whether I failed or succeeded. This year the terrifying thing was: Either people would think I was completely useless and a joke or they would appreciate the real artist in me. This year if I failed….I would do so in the knowledge that it was time to quit chasing this particular dream…..perhaps even this career.
GUESS I KNOW THE ANSWER NOW!
don’t let your own dream fall away because the journey is hard or because the treacherous enemy says you can’t.
LOVE SAYS YOU CAN.
Inevitably, whether you believe in God or not, I can wholeheartedly say that God is love. But TOUGH LOVE!!!!
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEE WHAT NEXT THE ARTIST IN ME, THAT IS ME, WANTS TO DO….ACTUALLY I ALREADY KNOW!!!
This competition showed me that I am focused/ disciplined/ and do have an interesting take on the world…..Now I seriously want to see how far that reach can go!