THIS BLOG IS A QUESTION.
Over the years the statement: ‘put yourself first’ has confused me much. I understand the principal of when in an aeroplane emergency putting the oxygen mask on yourself first and then to help others.
But ordinary life?
This blog today is more a search for an answer, more than a quest of sharing in the hope of loving another.
Exhausted from the weeks work, shows and gearing up for another in a few hours; I feel emotional to say the least. No-no not in a panicked crises kinda way, more in a depleted ‘nothing left to give’ kinda way and a tired of the BS kinda way.
Taking a moment to just breathe I reflect. Meditate if you will.
Over the last few years of my ‘picking up my life out of the mess I made’ I have run into some repeated patterns. Patterns that look green. And sound like concern, but boil down to destructive ‘putting down’. For years I was so out of it that I couldn’t tell which parts were my doing and which parts were purely ‘others’ stuff. Thankfully through recovery I have begun enjoying doing ‘life on life’s terms’ and see things much more clearly.
And herein lies the dilemma.
I relapsed 3 months ago after a long stretch of ‘clean time’….but since pulled up my socks again and clocking in some time again. The relapse was a culmination of factors. Regrettably I dropped the ball. The thing is that so many will judge the honest recovering addict but have no issues with driving drunk or getting ‘motherless’ drunk frequently.
I saw Christmas shopping at the mall yesterday. The volume of alcohol being sold and then obviously consumed made my addiction pale into comparison. Yet we encourage each other to drink. I am confused to say the least. 1 family walked out with 4 assistants pushing carts to offload the liquor. Wow! Nevermind the boasting of over -packed wine cellars and drunken ‘bookclub’……where I believe very little reading takes place.
I understand that I have to put in the leg work to regain trust and credibility. I am cool with that….I made the mess I must clean it up.
But what about a drunk SA?
What is the point? What does this have to do with the title ‘selfish’ and ‘putting yourself first.’ And the confusion about how to?
If others are so concerned about others; which they obviously are by the fact that gossiping is rife……why then do we promote destructive behaviour at functions or events? It is harder to get a non-alcoholic drink,besides water, than hard ‘tack’ at events. Why then do we post pics on social media of drunken undignified behaviour and laugh and think it hysterically cool but then avoid the one’s (and there are many of us) who try change for the better….sober?
How do I learn to put myself 1st accurately when the ‘teacher’ is less than sober minded?
As an example before my competition I was advised to not compete by ‘gewyn’ peeps who felt that it was God’s will for me to not compete. I MEAN REALLY!
So…… the next time we try to take the log out of someone else’s eye look at the bottle of wine in your own. You see the hero is not the ‘ functional addict’ but the one who bravely stands in their faults and makes the right effort to change.
It is even the joke of government…..a representative who frequented a shebeen in a ‘to do’ neighbourhood as an excuse to not face the consequences of corruption with the Guptas. As if it is acceptable for anyone to use ‘drunk’ or ‘hungover’ or ‘out-of-it’ as an excuse…that is what I was taught….right?
I know I am hardly where I want to be. But please do not dispense advice when you are less sober than the ‘recovering addict’.
So yes if it means that the best thing for me is to depend exclusively on my NA notes to learn how to put myself first please do not call me selfish when I turn down your drunken advise.
You see for years I learnt about how you needed to protect your interest’s from the likes of an addict by turning your back on me…..rightly so.
Thank you for the lesson!
BUT NOW I SEE CLEARLY THE FINGERS POINTING BACK AT YOU WRAPPED AROUND YOUR BUBBLY FLASK……NOW WHAT?
So with love and forgiveness….. I forgive you for teaching me in the harshest possible way. I forgive myself by being fooled by a non-sober world. And most of all I love the fact that because you judged my failings I have learnt to love myself selfishly by becoming sober.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME STRONG!