Chapter 3: Beginning

The audacity….i tell you!! When I look back at how much has transpired since February 2012, I am amazed and cannot help chuckle at my crazy antics. 

Some of my self-destructive stuff would be nice to have avoided. But heck I simply am in part an extremist. So the good is great and the bad….well let’s just say mamma wouldn’t approve.

However through it all I have been pretty rad. Yes thank you , I will say so myself.

In my 1 on 1 staff appraisal today with my boss I could only smile at the pointing out of how scattered I am sometimes. The thing is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have never been one that can pretend very well. Well; not unless it is for dramatic effort for entertainment purposes. So when the boy is happy cerebrate with him, but when he is sad rather stay the heck away..eish!

All too often I run into the sentiment that I am difficult to cope with sometimes. All I can say is  this echo of a quote (I think it is from Marilyn Monroe) :”If you can’t handle my bad side then you don’t deserve my good side.” LOL

But enough of analytical arguments and tongue in cheek quips.

In honesty my family, ex, boss and clients have been pretty incredible lately helping pull myself out of my  “I-want-to-be-dead-slump.” Guys I really thank you wholeheartedly for grinning and bearing my little patch.

But what I kind of am toying with is an idea I stumbled onto in the concluding pages of PJ Powers biography…

Thandeka talks about how after one starts to heal in recovery and things go to a more normal people start paying less attention to the ‘recoveree’. In the end PJ says:”You are left with you.” Now this might sound pretty standard but in the world of those that are gifted with being the center of attention, whether in performance or simply by natural instinct this can be a bit of a challenge.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I thrive when I am in the spotlight…it has always been that way…I guess this is why when i go quiet people panick and presume the worst. No I am not an attention craving junkie. Well maybe a little. Sometimes.

Anyhow it has got me thinking…what I might need to focus some thought to is the silence in-between the spotlight moments. What if I haven’t yet learnt to enjoy the in-activity as much as the chaos? What if my biggest enemy is the one in me that wants to constantly be rushing to and fro from glory to glory? What if the quietly meandering road that eventually leads to the busy highway, still needs to be travelled along without wanting to clutter it with billboards and neons that distract from the beauty of a simply meandering road?

I hope with all my heart that I get my new little home in the safe townhouse complex in Morningside. The gorgeous Hibiscus trees are to die for and I can walk safely or stare at the busy Rivonia Road when I need to remind myself to let myself slow down. 

I spin my wheels frantically looking for exciting moments. And sometimes uncalled for moments are exactly what are needed to be reminded that  taking a proper breath is also OK.

With 2017 in motion and finally I am finding my Mojo again….I can only hope that this little townhouse will not only serve me as a place to get in real contact with myself again but also that it will be the founding home of the  support group ‘Friend’ I have put off for about 10 years from starting.

God

I pray that every endeavor that benefits ourselves and others around us will ultimately serve you. Beside my iwn selfish desires for this little new home I beg that you will help me find the means to make this new chapter of my life exactly as it is meant to be. I pray this for all as well.

Amen

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