emergence

Defined as the process of becoming visible after being concealed. 

This is apt for me right now. And funnily enough the meaning of this blog. Also it is the word I woke up with in my heart this morning.

I would never have guessed that all these months ago, when I started this blog that this was the purpose behind it all. Truthfully I needed the blog to be accountable to myself through having an audience. So too hopefully touch and inspire others who might be struggling a bit.

It is all rather a little scary and thrilling actually. 

Emerge as what? 

Will I like IT? 

Will I want IT? 

Will I sustain IT? 

Will others like IT? 

Will I relate to IT?

I guess for the looooooooongest time; my whole life actually; I have mostly flown under the radar avoiding too much scrutiny, hurt, responsibility and those deathly stares of over-exaggerated perceptions. Like for example most straights have some bizarre ideas of gay sex or white people have ideas about black people or is Chinese food safe to eat….you know what I mean?

Since I started journalling my process of recovery and the pains/victories that go with it peoples encouragement has been warm and welcoming. Of course i have to be careful to not feed the animals too many deep secrets but that goes for all of us…we all need an inner circle where those things are kept sacred and protected. Others just dont have capacity to handle SOME truths. No doubt the backhanded whispers still go on, but tough.

I’D RATHER LIVE MY DAYS STRIVING TO BE HONEST THAN CONCEITED BEHIND OVER STYLED MASKS. ANYDAY! GUARENTEED!

I am slowly slowly filtering out the trash from the hash. No don’t read to much into that….weed is not my thing…but it does sound like a cool catch phrase. 

So back to trashing out the hash…

Like in my HSOTY 17 competition it was necessary for me to follow my own heart and not the agenda’s of other’s to secure a win. In hindsight I learnt that trusting myself is as necessary as being teachable and valuing others. 

Too often I gave up the vision of my own life to adopt and fit into the vision’s of others for me. NOT THAT THEIR VISIONS WERE ALL BAD…LIKE GETTING OFF CHEMICAL SUICIDE WAS AND REMAINS NECESSARY…. not always easy to do though! 

SOMETIMES….

People are judging from filters that are outdated and a bit ‘backed up’ to say the least. As a prime example being a SAME- GENDER SEX LOVING HOMOSEXUAL AND A REBORN CHRISTIAN causes such volatile reactions from other believers. Like as if being gay is any worse off  than the porno watching straight man or shopaholic wife. 

Seriously some people in church almost get that look of having a stroke combined with an epileptic fit when I wear my pink pant to church….of course that is the exact yardstick by which they fail to demonstrate love and by which I know to make my heartbroken exist.

AGAIN…

You know that brotherly love thing…and the what what failing thereof.

Honey let’s just say that on this cover the title might read ‘camp’ but these mascara’d eyes will show you a thing or 2….lol.

But this judgement is not restricted to Christian circles…..hardly.

You see it in the boys club or at gym too. All beefed up but god-forbid you mess the quaffed hair or get engine oil under a manicured fingernail…..or worse still in a jail cell….then Mr quickly becomes like the rest if us.

THE GIRLS BUT BARELY FAIR BETTER.

So on a lonely Saturday night as I nurse myself back to health and sanity with Shani Krebs book ‘Dragons &  Butterflies’ I remind myself that what emerges from my process is a backward forward quantum leap to becoming the human I should have been before the world got it’s filthy paws on me.

So in the words of Marianne Williamson & my favourite quote:

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin

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