It’s Personal

“…..when melodies are gone…..who on earth can I turn too…..I look to you….searching for that open door”

Over the years Whitney has made me wish I had a voice like hers. But for me this song perhaps is her best by far. Even though one can hear the ravages of her choices in her voice, I like it. It’s somehow more personal and more haunted.

I so relate. Sitting with a heart in pieces and tears that won’t subside; I cry for her, myself and anyone ever that feels like this. It’s songs like this that make me wish I had the ability, power and magic to make it all better. And with Mom no longer around to soothe an aching heart Orphan Annie Arion feels the sting deeply.

It’s Personal darnit….

I get it…Your perspective, their perspective and aaaaaaall the other theories that get flippantly tossed into life’s salad.

From one perspective I am a hypocrite  because , “How can you be gay and Christian?”

Another, “Why follow a faith that criticises the way you are born?”

Yet still, “Why fit in when you are born to stand out?”

And, “Nobody cares, everyone has their own cross to bear!”

“Be a good person…don’t show emotion it is perceived as weakness….look after yourself….sharing is caring…..take it on the chin….fight for justice….”

I could go on for days with all the titbits of interpreted advice.

DO YOU BLAME ME FOR FEELING FRAGMENTED?

Over the last few weeks I conducted a social experiment called “Dora the Domestic Goddess”

The experiment went like this….People engaged lighthearted ‘taking the mickey out of myself’ entertainment.’ It was a fun and silly experiment. The verdict is people love humour and as long as the humour is not aimed at them or directly at another it’s all cool.

What was interesting is that Dora and I are the same person. In the weeks that led up to Dora but only some people pitched up to give me hug even in my vulnerability confessing that I was considering committing suicide.

DON’T FEEL BAD IT HAS INSPIRED ME TO START A SUPPORT GROUP CALLED FRIEND. 

BUT IT DOES BEG A QUESTION…..(or 2)

Thus this blog:

Yes all and sundry advice is not helping!!! Well meaning advice is fragmenting my fragmented pieces into bits I can’t even recognise….Being distant makes me feel isolated no wonder suicide felt like a HAPPY ALTERNATIVE.

With thanks: Andy, Alison, Stoffel Antoinette, Ella, Yvonne, Talitha, Dom, Allison, Charlie, Ants, Nivves, Saint, Richard…wow Rich you remain a spectacular human (whoever gets you…is the luckiest person I know) Ginny, Murial, Vicki, Vic, Sheldon, Maria, Judy, Risna, Sindi, Sylvi, Jeanette, Lerato, Nella and Stacey,Danine, Stephan, Louw and  Sam….without reproach the world is beyond blessed to have you guys in it.

IT’S PERSONAL DARNIT….

Everyday when you look at me do you see a talented stylist that can coif your mane..do you see a faggot….do you see a pathetic excuse for a man….do you see Dora….do you see a disgraceful Christian….or do you see ME?

WELL THIS IS MY LIFE THAT GOD GAVE ME….I WOULD LOVE TO BE ALL FIXED LIKE YOU….

So when I stand alone and look at the man in the mirror I see a puzzle that seems to never end and the voices in my head that tell me how to fix it.

FIX IT I WILL….

But first: make money for the salon, do hair, serve in church, go to councilling, get laid, don’t get laid, turn to God, make new friends, let time heal you, move on, breathe this way, exercise that way, eat well, cut out sugar, pray, do, do do do do….sleep and take a holiday!!!!! 

When the melody is gone……standing dead shattered and lost I turn to you….

Dad

For every person that needs a FRIEND as lucky as I have been please make me strong to be just that. I don’t  know when I will feel useful again but help me get on with the tasks that lay before me. I am your child and I need you more than I even know. Help me turn from that yellow rope waiting in my closet and protect me from falling apart anymore. Dad I pray this prayer for everyone that feels fragmented, torn and lost. For everyone that has more advice than energy to keep going on. For everyone that is needing a SAVIOUR….like myself.

Dad I raise my little white flag and say I surrender again for the millionth time. I don’t know how to be what is expected of me….HELP!

Amen

💔 .AJB./ DORA

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