In the NA Step working guide many of the fears and questions that I have regarding Step 6 are found. This brings a sense of relief to my mind that is racing uncontrollably from God, life and how I fit into the piece of the puzzle.
The immediate sense of being in prison stares at me, almost laughingly.
If I don’t take step 6, what am I left with? This seems almost unfair? Almost like saying: ” You are the weakest link goodbye!” Yes I want freedom from my self-flagellation. Yes I want clarity of mind! Yes I want to meet my maker one day! Yes I respect the God! Why then does it have to be a matter of life or death? Why then does it feel like either choice is fraught with limitations.? Why do I feel like the pawn on the chess board, with little option but to obey the hand that moves me? Is freedom of choice really freedom of choice if total obedience and submission is the only way to true freedom?
Aaaaargh, the mind is a treacherous friend!
So often in my life these questions have been met with a ‘ trust the process’. Which I diligently have done. But if the process of self-examination is to leave no stone unturned then perhaps it is time to wade through the murky waters of unresolved issues. Perhaps it’s time to turn to the ONE who has the answers.
I am not dismissing the efforts of human endeavour in my mere 43 years of existence, but I think that I am more confused by them than I have clarity.
On pg 57 of the Step work guide we are required to make a list and define each defect.
- 1) Emotional: easily affected to act out impulsively
- 2) People-pleaser: I like to see others happy
- 3) Self-sabotaging: I punish myself when goodness comes my way
- 4) Analytical : trying to find the perfect answer to avoid mistakes but drives me nuts…hence act out back to # 1
- 5) According to God being Gay is wrong….this makes me angry and makes me feel useless as I don’t know how to be different. I tried…I even dated girls….darnit….I simply just don’t feel that way about them.
- 6) Being creative and eccentric makes it hard to be restricted and to stick to the rules
- 7) Curious- I like knowing about things which gets me into hot water often
- 8) Ambitious – I always want the next new thing
- 9) Romantic- expecting a reality that doesn’t exist
- 10) Disciplined-strangely when I walk out this action I become cruel, judgemental and self-serving…things I hate in myself
- 11) Hard on myself- I expect perfection of myself and if I fail back to #1
- 12) Calculating-constantly watching the world to see when the next injustice is coming my way and try avoid more hurt
- 13) I don’t play- having fun has never been an option…I always am #11 & #10 that even fun is hard work
- 14) Easily Angered then back to #1
- 15) Boredom- things too monotonous and routine become dull and uninteresting
- 16) Dramatic- I think this has more to do with being creative and enjoying the shock tactic and the thrill
- 17) Influenced by others views of me- can put myself in stupid situations to prove a point
- 18) Struggle to say no and speak my truth….when I do I usually upset people……badly and then feel guilty and back to #3
- 19) I want to be loved-often end up in sexually promiscuous situations and then don’t want to say no and hurt others even though I feel cheap afterwards….every time
- 20) Hate being lonely-I like my own space but hate being lonely
- 21) Don’t trust goodness easily but gravitate towards things that usually harm me.
When I look at my list I feel despondent. It seems that hope is lost and I will never be the kind of human I am expected to be. It is times like this that I just want to give up. I don’t understand why things are the way they are sometimes. I feel cheated and robbed by life. Please help me figure this stuff out. Will I like me in the end? Are you really a Good Dad?
I know that many feel like I do. Please bring your peace, clarity and joy into our lives. Please protect us from more harm. Help us be useful and inspiring to other’s. Touch the hard places in our hearts and let them become filled with true love.
Thank you for making me me. Thank you for everything that is good in this world. Help me to trust it, enjoy it in the right way and to share it like you have.
(a perfectly timed gift from an incredibly gifted human….)