Floating

It’s 4:13am and all efforts to fall asleep again evade me. I cackle at myself. I mean here I am sitting in the dark trying to be quiet so as not to wake the neighbours with ungodly light and or noise. So typical of me……that old people-pleaser. 

In the movie ‘What happens in Vegas’….don’t judge me I couldn’t sleep ok….Cameron Diaz delivers a line that I somehow need to implement in my life and to get through Step 6. “I was so busy trying to not make you happy that I found me again.” Although the movie is lighthearted  there are moments that hit home. Ashton Kutcher’s character loses his job and only after a while realises he is going to need money to live. Funny as it is in the movie is as unfunny as it is in real life. In a turn of events (Diaz) and (Kutcher’s) characters are married. An overworked busy executive Diaz meets a easy-go-lucky (Kutcher). In juxtaposition to Diaz’s character Kutcher says,”I would rather spend my time doing something that makes me happy than not.”

What am I getting at?

To coin a phrase I call it ‘Modern Slavery’: Society being kept just busy enough that they are too exhausted to think beyond work, bills and minor relaxation.But not too busy that they feel like machines. In other words too tired to try something different, too tied up to change it and too scared to be wrong.

And how does this relate to Step 6 and being a people-pleaser, I ask myself? 

Like this… So often I fall into the trap of being a puppet by saying the right thing, doing the right thing and looking the right way that I become something I don’t want to be. When I don’t do those things I am labeled as a rebel. Rebels it seems are not very favourable with modern society that likes to spend it’s money where they are seduced rather than challenged to be their individual beautiful self. Catch my drift.

So here I am floating between my what ifs. What if I decide to get so busy not pleasing you that I find myself? What if I find myself but end up penniless? What if I take Step 6 only to be agreeable?

 Don’t get me wrong I love hairdressing but too often the money is married to conformed society that look exactly like each other. I have worked in salons where uniformity of dress code is insisted upon under the guise of “it’s the client that must stand out not the staff or it looks professional and neat.” Such nonsense. Everybody counts! People are not drones!

If I take a Creationist  point of view of the world. A multitude of colours, life forms, shapes and types coexist quite harmoniously; painting a picture that I yet have to meet one person that doesn’t say nature is splendid. So reeeeeeally uniforms……and little look-a-likes promoting so called individualism…I just don’t get it.

The crazy irony for me is this….I am the rebel based on some stupid actions that I once was slave to but when in actual fact I stand by the team of ‘Holistic Harmony’ under the morality of a love that heals and not destroys. Self-love in our modern way destroys much to get what it wants.

So in my moment of surrendering to a Power that I know too well exists and loves me I am left with no other choice but to see where this yellow brick road actually leads to. Which means that I have to speak the truth. So truth spoken and people-pleasing a target to lay down I guess in good consciousness to myself I have to take this step by step partially blind. I guess it is true in the end that not ‘seeing’ though seeing is the worst kind of blindness.

So trusting the experiences of my past experiences with God I guess I have to kindly but truthfully take my eyes off of a look-a-like world and stop pleasing it’s altar  of agreeability to find myself in the hands of him that made me.

The opposite is spinning  my wheels like a uniformed soldier marching to the steady beat of  ‘I am fine.’

So as Mr Grey is the sarcastic sneer of the author at a world trying to live in a world of black and white, I smell my fragrant Oriental Lilles and am glad that my shade is perfectly me. A little lost under piles of clever ‘life’ punchlines but nonetheless expectant of my arrival.

The probing question of Step 6 is ‘ How do I feel about my defects and how do I act out on them’ The simple answer is that I destroy myself to fit in, punish myself when I don’t and run for the hills when I am so tired of the constant noise of all of it.

At 43 I am seeing that when I love my clients and friends for who they really are, somehow they want to be near me because I give them courage to be themselves…..funny that….lol. And the salon (this is a metaphor) comes to a standstill at the raucous behaviour and laughter from that bottom corner. 

So from an old man….not….enjoy today and brush off the uniforms you wear that suffocate your beautiful self. There is a power greater than ourselves that loves our authenticity. A power greater than ourselves who delights in our manic questions. A Power greater than ourselves that enjoys our company more than anything else.

Happy Sunday ya’ll.

Stay your beautiful self. Stay Honest.

❤ 

. AJB.

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