Who I am?

“Hello, who is there?”

The sound of my own voice woke me up and I knew I was about to have a moment. One of THOSE moments! And flip it is turning out to be hectic and humbling.

Step 6 concludes with: Who do I want to be and what do I want to be doing with who I become? 

It has just dawned on me, gosh I can be really dim sometimes, that I have been stuck on Step 6 for 7 years. Yes I breezed through the Steps in rehab being agreeable to get eyes off of me and to get my little gold star of approval. 

The real truth is that I have been unsure, unprepared and unwilling to let go of the heavy but comforting baggage that has been my life. Yes, like you, the fear of the unknown FREAKS me out. 

As a perfectly timed example, FRIEND SUPPORT GROUP launches in ONE week time. I am terrified that nobody will pitch up. More terrified that people won’t RSVP. It is important so that I can let the restauranteur know by Friday how many people are expected to arrive. What if people don’t buy into the  NEW idea of Support I want to present?  What if being a ‘thinking-out-of-the-box’ person doesn’t work out for me?

Gosh  I am scared!!!!! Very!!!!!!!!!

Symbolically the reading of my Recovery homework and John 4 ( the scripture I have been stuck on for months) go hand in hand with my ‘hello, who is there?’ mystery dream today.

The Samaritan Women and the Well overlaps my life. Her 5 husbands, my 5 relationships since 2010, the moment I decided that giving up my Councilling Course was the right thing to do because I couldn’t be a Perfect Human. I opted for the comfort of love instead. Besides, why would anyone want advice from another that struggles as much, if not more, as they do? I THINK I WAS WRONG? 

NOT ONE OTHER PERSON IS PERFECT!

I could feel God lovingly laugh at me in vs6…..’he was tired so he rested. It was about the sixth hour.’ Yes I have been stuck on Step 6 for 7 years and am about to embark into Step 7. Step 7 is the acknowledgement of needing help to change.

Everything over the last 7 years has being preparing me to be able to do Step 7 properly. 

Winning Hairstylist of the Year 2017 was the ultimate affirmation that God exists. I was newly dumped by relationship 5. Rightly so, as we simply are not meant for each other in a relationship. It coincided and resulted because of my spectacular ‘fall from grace’ relapse.  So all I had was to focus my broken heart on my competition. For weeks I cried into bundles of hair whist manufacturing my looks. Every moment I played and replayed the song, ‘Joyful House’, I stumbled onto at the end of my relapse when I had my hectic Spiritual encounter. I write about it in my blog: ‘Bloody Needles in my Vein.’ Funnily enough I was wrong too about the song choice I used for my winning entry ‘Faded’ by Alan Walker. I thought is was about my ex but it actually was about me….’where are you know?’

In another blog ‘Puzzle’ I write about being conflicted and confused.

How did I miss that I never REALLY did my Step 6….AT ALL?

With absolute humility this morning I have to be on bended knee before ‘My Higher Power’ connecting myself to ‘God as I understand him.’

The truthful answer is that I want only to be able to ‘God’s will for my life.’ Quite evidently this is the best option….lol. 

WHO DO I WANT TO BE AND HOW DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME BEING WHO I WANT TO BECOME?

I like myself when I stand up for the right thing, even if I fail at it too. Somehow in my failure I see that my humanity is in tact because I recognise that I fail. I possibly might set myself up for failure, I guess, just to be reminded that I actually am ok….who knows?

As a kid my magnificent Mom always told me how when I first learnt to talk properly that I always said that I wanted 2 homes. One for animals. One for people.

Looks like I might be moving in the right direction…..lol.

So with a little liberty I ask those that read this blog to give my initiative a shot to see if Who I want to be is accurately in line with How I  want to do it?…

(there is a reason for a restaurant and dinner….come find out why….and yes the restaurant is planning a simple something)

SEE YOU FRIEND.

.AJB.

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