THIS IS THE BLOG THAT IS GOING TO PEEVE A LOT OF PEOPLE OFF.
There is a lot at stake, namely my life, and a lot to ask. Step 7 says I need to, in prayer, ask My Higher Power to remove my shortcomings. Well there are some BIG questions in this regard.
Firstly I need to clarify a few things. I believe in God and through various teachings believe in the essence of the bible too. I have learnt to find the meaning behind the so called ‘hard-to-believe’ stories. I wasn’t always a believer. That only happend when I turned 30. I have fallen in and out of like of my faith many times since then. Through firsthand experience I know God is real. I know him personally as a God of love but disagree with some things sometimes. I am forever being prayed for to become straight. MY truth number 1.
I am gay.
I love and hate being gay all at the same time. It’s great for when I want to ‘Camp’ it up. Terrible because everybody thinks I should be Camp. It’s awful because everybody has a GAY friend I should meet, like I don’t have my likes or dislikes…..if it’s gay I automatically am going to love their friend…uhm not. It’s awesome because being Gay somehow is supposed to elevate one to higher sensitivity and creativity……trust me I know some very insensitive queens and pretty predictable gays. Being gay is awful because people have various judgements about it. Being gay is great because I can be a bit ‘off-the-wall’ and it is accepted. But, for me, being gay is lonely because I don’t agree with a lot of stuff us gays do (and i do them too from time to time when i get very lonely).The Gays hate that I am a Christian because it is conflictual . MY truth 2.
Being a creative man is cool because I can figure things out sort of easily and i am sensitive to the world and have a wicked sense of humour. Being a creative man is awful because non-creative men think there is something wrong with us. MY truth 3.
Being an eccentric personality type is cool because I have had some way out experiences that make me see the world a bit differently. Being eccentric is awful because to me the world is so conventional. People chase youth, fame, money and power…oh and sex. I am, desperately, at a stage where I want the REAL TRUTH. Not the half-baked truth that is debatable and corruptible…..THAT TRUTH THAT WE ALL FEEL WE ARE MISSING OUT ON. MY truth 4.
So when my Step 7 asks me to turn to my Higher Power to remove my shortcomings I am presented with a few problems.
Being gay is a problem according to my faith which I love. I am not sexually attracted to girls and being celibate doesn’t appeal to me because I would like a relationship. As a man I want to be part of a tribe that makes the world better but the world thinks that I should be all pink. And I do love pink but mostly because it is controversial and appeals to my eccentric personality. I don’t fit into my gay sub-culture either because it mostly (not all) is promiscuous and slutty bordering on downright evil. I mean if I am honest. When I see what goes on in gay bedrooms it actually frightens me because it is just hectic. Trust me I have done hectic things too. BUT only in the hope to find THE ONE that likes me and believes in monogamy and likes a level of hectic that is easy to deal with and kind of sexy.
SO PERHAPS AS THE STEP WORK SUGGESTS I NEED TO FIND A CHRISTIAN GAY CREATIVE MONOGAMOUS THAT IS DOING RECOVERY AS A SPONSOR. THE IDEA OF A SPONSOR IS SOMEONE WHO IS RELATABLE AND HONEST. BUT THIS PERSON SOUNDS AWFULLY LIKE MYSELF! BUT DOES THAT NOT SOUND LIKE NARCISSISM?
So it’s 12:34am and I can’t sleep. I have chewed my nails. I have smoked my lungs into a ‘toestand’. And I have no answer on how to proceed.
After all it’s just MY FLIPPING LIFE AT STAKE!!!!!!!
What to do…..what to do?
My Step 7 Prayer sounds a bit like this right now.
Help me to get help. To accept the help. To know that it’s the right truthful help. The help that is the exact kind of help that will once and for all help me get past step 7 properly. The help that in a way will actually be helpful to me and others in similar predicaments.
I love you but am confused about whether you love me because I am gay. I can’t say I was born this way and i can’t say I wasn’t. I want to be a whole Christian but feel torn apart because I am controversial to say the least both as a man and a human. I don’t like the typical guy stuff but I also don’t like the typical girls stuff either. But I like bits of both too. I know it’s wierd coming from me because of my profession but I know that you understand that I am not what I do but how I do it.
Dad this is so important! Dad if I am to rightfully take my place in this world even as I work through my own things I need answers. But ultimately let it be your will not my own.
Thank you for loving me enough to bring me to this point of surrendering again.