Hate Crimes

STEP 8/9 IS THE EINA ONE. 

I say this because it is easy to accept your wrongs….it is not so easy when the ones you have wronged will not forgive you.

Worse still is forgiving oneself! We can never run from ourselves…..we can try but unless medical reasons separate us from our memories we are in it.

Even though I have done this step well in my past, I guess that it is the one I/We need to do everyday. Speaking for myself; my ego, flawed thinking and wounded humanity get in the way of my ability to love and I end up hurting others.

I HAVE INTENTIONALLY, AND NOT, HURT MORE PEOPLE THAN I CAN REMEMBER.

Hurt people hurt people! Yes I am hurt and I guess like all of us have to admit that I am damaged goods. Damaged but on the road to authentic healing.

I saw a documentary last night called ‘Bridegroom’ on Netflix. The movie dealt with judgement, love, pain and finding the courage to move on. I sobbed like a girl as event after event played itself out. The parents of Tom have the rest of their lives to sit in regret. Regret that stems from judgement and unforgiveness. It is apt for my journey through Step 8.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE SOME EVENTS THAT I CAN’T REMEMBER NAMES OR EXACT DETAILS. (I am not being vague deliberately)

My Parents, Family, Friends, Collegues, and ‘the wall of faces’…..

I cut you out of my life when I was in active addiction because I was ashamed of myself. I hated who I was and what I was doing. I hated seeing the looks of shame and disappointment when you saw me. I was wrong. I know you worried about if you would ever see me again. Truthfully, I hoped you wouldn’t. I often ran ‘how to commit suicide’ through my mind as a means to not torture you with my actions. My addiction took total control of my life. I lived and worked for the next party. I became everything that I hate about the world. I stole. I cheated. I lied. I prostituted. I dealt. I manufactured. I manipulated. But worst of all I hurt you in the process. I cannot remember everyone or even everything I did in the past but you are welcome to tell me; if you want. My email is arionstylist@gmail.com. I cannot undo much of what I did back then. And I cannot meet your expectations of me now either. Just know i work on it everyday to be better than i was back then. My journey is mine to figure out as is yours. I wish that I could see you face to face to make my amends but this blog is an attempt to do just that.

Even though it’s been a while and I have been working very hard for years to change my behaviours I do slip up from time to time. Gladly I am making progress. I hope that you can forgive a man who has more regrets than he would like. 

My Lovers…..

I fell into the trap of trying to fix you as a means to feel like ‘I was not all that bad.’ I acted out when you didn’t meet my blind expectations by manipulating you to come to my rescue. I hoped that you would feel sorry for my brokenness. If I could I would erase the hurt I caused from your heart. Please know I still and always will love you for bringing the bit of Magic that you did into my life. Thank you for giving ME a go and leaving me with bundles of memories. I am glad that I have met some seriously outstanding people. Not to mention the…….you know what! I hope that we might become friends in the future. Please forgive me.

Bosses & Clients. …

Yes I have been impossible and a little shit. I let you down. I let myself down too. Thank you seeing past the ‘troubled boy/man’ for as long as you did. I probably wouldn’t have lasted quite as long if the roles were reversed. You inspire me to push myself to becoming a Boss too oneday…..hopefully sooner than later. Thank you for the times you gave me multiple chances. Forgive me please!

God…..

I try, well most of the time, to be a good human. The worst regret I have is all the times I refused to listen to you….as I still do waaaaaaaaaay to often.  I don’t know how to be what you expect but I hope that you see the torture I live in and hope that you will understand just how much I do love you. Please bless the things I am doing to​ be a productive honest person. Please give me the strength to keep turning from the things I don’t want to be. The patience to let timing be timing. The serenity through it all. Thank you for forgiving me.

    Arion…..

    You are flipping lucky to be alive!!!!!!! The number of times you nearly did die is luckier than some if not most ever get.  Please forgive yourself and allow yourself the opportunity to heal. Allow yourself the freedom to fall in love with who are. Allow yourself the time to rediscover who you actually are……you know he is always more surprising than the mask you try wear. Arion thank you for this incredible life you have lived. Thank you for the chance to be brave and face the truth. Thank you for fighting to stay in the game. Thank you for being an incredible human, flaws and all. Arion I want you to know that I love you. Arion thank you for being a hero by choosing to take an honest look at who you became and the curiosity to change the things you can. 

    EVEN THOUGH EACH OF US IS IMPERFECT, THE ONE PERFECT THING WE CAN DO IS TO UNBECOME WHO WE ARE NOT AND TO MAKE AMENDS WHEN WE ARE WRONG.


    STAY YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF. BFRIEND!

    .AJB.

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