mīlestības vēstule‎ 

Auguries of Innocence

‘To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower 

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 

And Eternity in an hour…..’

I know right! The first time I heard this a councillor was describing me as a person who sees the world in a grain of sand. 

Years later a group of friends said I was the kind of person that even nothing was something. I guess by now if you’ve read enough of my blogs, you might agree. ( Shoosh R… I hear you chuckling!) I was watching the James Franco movie King Cobra on Netflix. (Now don’t jump to the wrong conclusions.) I have over the years been in those discussions as to whether people could or couldn’t be a porn star.  I couldn’t. But I am intrigued as to why or how people get into it. I am anti-porn because it is so boring and insulting to me if someone needs to get their jig on with me by watching porn. Anyhow, King Cobra is based on a true story and I loooooooove true stories.  Psychological manipulation really unnerves me. I enjoyed the subtle handling of sensitive material as it easily could have been yuck. You know what I mean right? King Cobra gave me a glimmer into a world I find quite sad and even more so now.

The last few days have been taxing on numerous levels. Asking around about why my business is slow one of the factors is my relapse MONTHS AGO. The resounding answer was that some people are not ready for a truth spoken liberally. It was hard to hear. Although people may respect the process of truth, often the truth strikes cords that perhaps many do not want to face within themselves. OR find ghastly from their ‘perfect’ lives.

REGARDING THAT; ALL I KNOW IS THAT FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT FACING THE TRUTH SUCKS BUT IN THE MOST FANTASTIC WAY. YES IT IS NANCY TO WRITE ONE’S OWN STORY DOWN. YOU CRY. LAUGH. ARE SHOCKED THAT YOU ARE STILL ALIVE. USUALLY YOU CONCLUDE WITH HOW AMAZING LIFE AND YOURSELF ACTUALLY ARE BECAUSE YOU’RE  STILL HERE.  SOMETIMES IT HURTS BECAUSE YOU LOSE THE THINGS YOU LOVE. ALWAYS YOU GAIN MORE OF YOURSELF IF YOU SEE IT THROUGH TO THE END.

The other rough thing to deal with over the last few days was  the absolute disregard for another’s experience. Yes opinions and commentary are essential in a time, like this, where so much hatred is being vomited at all of us from every corner of the globe. We need to hear eachother out and find the things that bind us and not separate us. But can we be a little nicer about it. And yes i also blow a gasket and hate myself after….and have to say sorry with chocolates, hugs and flowers. Scientific experiments have been conducted that seem to prove that everything is connected. 

Check out this link: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1414543915242962&id=182073298490036

From my faith perspective God is everything and everything is only possible because of him. If one believes in the story of two alien brothers at war against eachother and we the chess pieces or that we evolved or that we are spirits on a journey of higher learning….whatever we believe a simple thing remains true.

You and I are here now. Our ancestors were here and for now it seems the next few generations may be here too or forever depending on what you choose to believe.

Sooooooo…..

Does it not make sense then that our grain of sand is personal. 

The resolution to my verbal assault both on social media and via private messaging regarding THAT KISS ( 7de Laan Sabc) was that I should just ignore the commentary.

But I shouldn’t. 

 Is that not what got us all into this mess of hatred in the first place? Brushing things under the carpet. If the Adam and Eve story is exactly accurate as the bible teaches then what a wonderful lesson of where concealing all began. The action of picking the fruit off the tree is followed by hiding and concealing the guilt. I wonder what would have happened if they just fessed up to the mistake, apologised and offered amends.

I often wonder what would have happened in my life if the child welfare had actually separated me from my parents. Would I have been able to voice my rage properly as a kid rather than nearly completely destroy myself as another dysfunctional adult….like all of us are.

But life happened as it happened!

The most awesome privilege I have as a hairstylist is that people talk to me about EVERYTHING. They talk their fears, hopes, loves and SOMETIMES……..u catch my drift. It has been a rescuer to my own inadequacy many times. 

mīlestības vēstule means love letter.

Here is a love letter that I hope will catch your breathe:

Do you even know….

I have seen you dying to climb the mountain and want to scream stuff you on top of your voice. I did and it was disappointing because those who needed to hear it were asleep.

I have watched in wonder at the start of the well that glistens as it rolls down your cheek. Wow you are really beautiful! Look closer.

I love how your voice dances when you fall in love. No orchestra can come close to that sound.

You think I don’t notice your trembling feet when you blossom in my company in your vulnerability. I could take your heart and never stop kissing it over and over and over.

I know it’s confusing when hurt hits like an avalanche unexpected. Worse still when you know that its coming and can’t do a thing about it but take it anyway.

Brave are you when you dare your enemy to try.

Strong are you when you pick yourself up for another reach at the sky.

Beautiful are you when you let go of another lie.

And mesmerising when you give ‘live’ to another like De Klerk and Mandela.

As an artist myself I have had to tear myself from the world in my head and fall in love with life on life’s terms. I liked the world in my head. It was wierd and strange but untainted by others opinions. I guess this is what made me, by definition, a dreamer. Flip I was always in trouble at school for being in class though anywhere but in class. When you can’t get away physically then dream is what happens next. So facing the truth of myself and the world is hard but it beats the ‘princess in the lonely tower’ of my mind.

Part of our punishment in rehab was to wash the intestines of the cows that were sent to slaughter.(Let’s not get all pie in the sky and PC about it….it happened and I did it) Let’s just say I cleaned my fair share. It reeked to high heaven and back. It was gross but it gave me an appreciation for the incredible biology of a cow.

Sometimes when we refuse to try face our truth we miss a ‘whole world in a grain of sand’ or even to ‘hold infinity  in the palm of our hand.’ I guess that is what it must feel like holding a new born in ones hands.  I have missed many personal infinities but the ones I do have are beautifully rare.

Remember that very first kiss at the back of the shed in the school yard and how you floated on a cloud for a week?  In my case it has been years because I am a romantic like that. But THAT KISS  only happened when I was 19. And it was a straight curious muscled afrikaans boy that pinned me up against a restuarant kitchen wall and kissed me that my knees literally gave in. It would be another 20 years before i had a kiss like that again. And i still tremble at the memory of them. What makes them special is that they were not put on, forced or explained. It happened and will forever be ‘ a heaven in a flower’ time standing still moment for me.

What I am trying to say is that in you, them, us and I are treasures that come alive when we take the risk of letting go of something we always thought was true.  I never thought I was man enough for DIY. In rehab I fell in love with it. I mean I am completely useless at it but tinkering away at something and learning to do it is quite cool.

I never thought that I could write, and yes I am not brilliant at it, but when I saw my name printed in a magazine because I wrote something it gave me courage to really try. It was one more lie I could let go. 

Winning Hairstylist of the Year 2017 showed me that I DO count. Boy am I sprinting to make up for lost time to shoosh all those voices that said I can’t. And especially the one that sounds a lot like my own.

So you see, for me, brushing it under the carpet is not an option. 

EVERYONE OF US DESERVES ‘THAT KISS’ THAT BUCKLES OUR KNEES AND MAKES TIME STAND ETERNAL IF BUT FOR A MOMENT.

It’s the ugliness of misunderstanding that puts to sleep the moment that is exclusively you. I may not be your kind of hero but grant the credit that love in a letter sure beats the grain of sand that cuts a world in two. After all love covers a multitude of sin and breaks down the walls to let the hate out. Like an infected scab that must be scraped open to be cleaned so that healing can begin.

Stay your beautiful self. 

And I hope you get your knee buckling ‘THAT KISS’ moment where infinity holds world’s of flowers eternal too.

•AJB•

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