FLOWER IN MY HAND

Yip, God/Universe/Love/Karma/Destiny/Fate strikes again! Call it what you will I call it God.

Before you go, “Oh God  again….another bible what what,” read just a little further.

Have you ever felt that you were perfectly set up by a perfectly timed compilation of circumstances only to find that you were exactly situated to get the reward.? Today was that day.

After a rough emotional ride, hiding away in my second floor hideout and too sulky to be all ‘Dora the Domestic Goddess’ on myself I had to go into studio to do my styling job. It is tough thinking beauty if it is less than beautiful inside yourself.

JUDGE ME….BUT THIS IS WHAT SAD/ANXIOUS/FED UP AND DOWNRIGHT ANGRY LOOKS LIKE IN MY HOME….(a little Bridget Jones…I guess)

It hit me like a rainbow at the end of the rains. I felt like I had crossed the comrades finish line. I was being dutifully observant in the editing suite to check that hair and makeup was acceptable. 

Sweetly,gently and softly my consciousness was drawn to the words that the guest speakers and Stacey were chatting about on Real Health. Without knowing it I, spiritually, was having an awakening. A spiritual flower had been placed in my hand. 

 I instinctively knew it was a Lotus Flower. Now understand that I am deeply spiritual but fundamentally a Christian, so this was odd.  I flew home and immediately  asked Google: Lotus flower symbolism. What I found both startled and blew my mind; especially so soon after being judged, misunderstood and being called ‘pathetic’ and ‘unschooled.’ Fortunately I have learnt that we must each own our own truth and deal with that….I do and am.

I always have loved the Lotus flower but never gave it a second thought. The ‘flower in my hand’ was reminding me that a Power greater than ourselves is working all things to the good of those who believe. The ‘flower in my hand’ was giving me an answer in the most unusual way.

(Now please back right off if you have any wierd ideas right about now.)(Like seriously)

Let me explain…..

 In my blog “The Story I don’t want to tell” I talk about a process of discovering that there are, some things and some times, that are locked away so deeply that we may not know they are there. I also had to rewrite parts as my thinking was a bit off at the time. Through my blogging I discovered that I was reworking my 12 Step program. I found myself digging deeper into my stuff searching for answers to break cycles that I repeat too easily. In my blog “mīlestības vēstule”  I talk about finding beauty in the smallest things. A returning to innocence. 

For a long time, six months to be exact, all the old skeletons in my closet raged through me. All the old negative self-talk like I am unlovable churned out of me. I was  being like a bull in a China shop with myself. I really love my ex but we hurt eachother. We both are on our journeys of discovery and healing. Truthfully, I envy the one who gets him now. He is both a pain in the butt and remarkable all wrapped up in lashes that are to die for with a killer smile. The point is that for a loooooooong period of time my personal growth was hampered because parts of me didn’t know I had to dig deeper into my healing. I had achieved a ‘better than I ever was’ level but couldn’t understand why I still felt suicidal so often. I mean I have a fantastic life with a fantastic job and fantastic friends. I mean I am only the HSOTY ’17 after all. ..lol.

It was only through facing my giants again that I stumbled onto my inner child reaching out for the purity and innocence in me. A cleansing of my soul. A renewal of my mind. A deeper healing in my perception of self and the world.

So when I realised that a gift of a symbolic flower was in my hand I knew that some new doors to my hidden treasures are opening. Funny things is, that a week prior my friend Allie had given me my 1st water purifier….strange I tell you strange.

My own prison of perfection is giving way to something like an English garden picnic. The sun is out and ‘Dora’ is going to bake a bit. In the 12 Step program mention is made of the ‘gifts of recovery.’ This gift is going to be allowed the due time to wash through the broken prison walls that only a power greater than myself can wash whiter than snow. My Lotus will float along as I await the news of exactly where, what and how I AM going to study the next chapter of my life.

And that’s my OWN big and private ‘chocolate stash’ treasure for now….

Nosy parker.

God, I pray that everyone that needs a little bit more awakening will have the courage to search. The sight to see it. The openness to receive it. And the wisdom to let you guide them.

Stay your beautiful self!

•AJB•

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