Tears, tears , tears. Yes I know I cry a lot. Perhaps time down the line will show me why, but for now I guess it’s a cleansing of my soul. Understandably so.
Yes it is only 2 days since jumping into the deep end of unfolding my dream but the amount of goodness that is flocking my way is leaving me speechless. Well perhaps more accurately, stunned!
My Woollies pie is taking but forever to heat up. My phone is going nuts with messages, calls and interest in my new adventure. Too tired to tidy my home. Smiling that stupid smile when you know you just did something good. Excitement trembles deep within my soul.
I actually feel a little silly right now and if I didn’t have neighbours I might do ‘next-to-nude’cartwheels in the garden in the rain in the middle of the night. A sense of freedom has washed over me even though the levels of commitment and responsibility have increased dramatically. I am glad for it.
I know many are thinking it. Many are looking to see if it will fail. Many are silently in awe. And many are wondering how. Some have been brave to ask.
For a long time I have felt trapped. Trapped because I really have been stuck in the frustration that comes from a dwindling hope.
No matter what I tried I just never seemed to get to the open door of self-governance and complete control of my every choice. This might be the indicator of why some of my acting out was so riddled with hostility.
A LOT OF FRUSTRATION IS BIRTHED IN TOUGH FINANCIAL SITUATIONS. IT GETS EXHAUSTING PUSHING TO BE BETTER WHILST DENYING ONESELF SIMPLE PLEASURES LIKE CHOCOLATE. (I mean chocolate is as essential to humanity as is breathing…..right?…..lol)
My month was dawdling but my money sprinting, as usual, for the longest time. Admittedly I have a lot to learn about financial management but I also never seemed to get to the goals I set for myself, even with the most earnest efforts. So I had to get a salary advance to get through the next few steps of trying to earn a living.
NOW HEAR ME….. I HAVE NO AGENDA TELLING THIS STORY. AND I CERTAINLY AM NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY. I MADE SOME VERY SERIOUS CHOICES LONG AGO, SOME BAD AND SOME GOOD THAT HAVE RESULTED IN ME STILL LIVING FROM MONTH TO MONTH.
(back 2 the story)
With little more than R600 in my pocket, my equipment and a dream I chose to give myself a chance. I am glad I have.
For years I thought that if I couldn’t start a business that looks and could rival my industry counterparts I simply wouldn’t. This was actually my fear coupled to my ego whispering that I needed to imitate rather than innovate. I thought that it would bring me acceptance.
I took a jump and landed with my sexy little butt on a silver platter of butter. My colleagues/ mentors have created their own ‘dreams-come-true’ scenario. But my clients and friends have a wealth of knowledge I simply didn’t know that they possessed, regarding business, because I was so focused on doing my job as well as I could, I never wracked their brains for input. OK OK maybe with a bit of me ‘entertaining’ thrown into the mix too. I can’t help that I am too old to not have as much fun as I can with every person who chooses to sit in my chair or who passes me on the by.
I am discovering what love looks and feels like. The circle that is around me is not coming to my rescue but teaching me to rescue myself. I never knew that I was this loved. I still don’t know what I did to deserve it but it is nice. Real nice!!!!
People are designing personal greeting cards, setting up meetings with high-flying business geniuses, guiding my input into my brand, advising me on what actions to take and how to do so cleverly that I can keep myself not only competitive but to keep me from having to learn the hard way.
Do you understand why the tears are streaming down my face? I am just a little hairdresser that has dared to believe that he also deserves a bit of success.
Someone that I haven’t seen in years said to me today:”You just don’t know how talented you are.” I died of embarrassment. I was also confused because I am just me, so I don’t know how to process statements like that.
The words that automatically rolled out of my ‘no filter’ mouth were, ” Thank you. I don’t know what that means but for the first time ever I am going to see just how far I can take myself.’
YES I MIGHT FAIL BUT THEN NO-ONE CAN ACCUSE ME OF NOT TRYING. AND IF I FAIL WHO GIVES A …… I WOULD HAVE LEARNT A LOT.
I am so grateful that others see a guy who is stepping out with the gift in his hand and reaching towards a jump in the right direction.
I have always been a grateful guy. But my gratitude needed to be adjusted to be able to hold a bigger dream. What I mean by this is that I was grateful to just be alive. Grateful to have a talent. Grateful that I never suffered really badly. Grateful that I wasn’t the worst off. Grateful that I have never been a bum. Grateful that I am curious. Grateful that I could hide away behind my masks.
My circle has shown me that my gratitude was so focused on the small things that I didn’t aim at bigger things because I didn’t really believe I deserved bigger.
My blog has laid it all bare that those who want to judge can…and that’s OK. My blog firstly was intended to heal myself. Secondly to reach others who need a bit of truth and encouragement that things do get better. So by being more vulnerable than I have ever been I seem to have stumbled onto a circle of people who want to grow the person they see, and him to be all that they know I can be. And I am beginning to see that too.
Life is not easy. Life is often not fair. But Life is always worth fighting for. So as my gratitude is swelling for a bigger experience of everything else and everything me, I want to tell you this….
When I lived in my tiny cottage, there were days I would ball my eyes out as I forced myself to be all ‘Dora the Domestic Goddess’ because somehow I knew that if I start with the things I can do I would eventually be taking steps towards my dreams. I have seen in 3 years that dreams do come true.
I have tons to learn in every which way but I wonder what I will be saying and to whom I will be saying in the next 3 years….”3 years ago a guy starting a new venture, sitting on a 2 seater wicker couch, writing a blog about a journey of dreams, with the bare necessities, the heart of a lion, the fight of a gladiator and with the dreams of legends built into him working the hope that things would be different…’
In MY SONG ‘Joyful House’ and THAT bathroom moment when I agreed to take THE CALL…I was told that I would be hated by some but also that HE would FIX IT.
However long later I cannot deny that my biggest gratitude is that I have a FRIEND that has shown me that his power is greater and that he will and is making my paths straight.
(If you want to know what I am talking about….my blogs are all available out in the open to read and my circle could tell you I am sure.)
The point is this….that I showed myself the biggest gratitude by choosing to TRY believe that dreams come true and that I could FIND MY WAY HOME.
Stay your beautiful self.
• AJB •