Postmortem 

In the Netflix movie JFK Kevin Costner plays the DA that investigates the Kennedy assassination. The thing that I love about the flik is the unravelling of obvious truth from evangelised truth.

Gosh, I have done it to sometimes in years gone by. Haven’t you?  Fabricated elaborate stories to try avoid the inevitable consequences of truth. But; somehow the truth does come out and a worse wave of karma/lesson learning spanks come along….lol.

Investigating a synonym for cover up I came across these. (above)  I must say they leave me with a hollow sense of doom. So why have I not seen this before?  Even outside of my ‘faith code’ that drags me kicking and screaming to be better, language points to the fact that pretentiousness leads ultimately to a death of a kind. It’s outright terrifyingly disturbing. (note 2 self: do all languages elude to ‘cover up’ as a death of  self….got a new project….mmmmm….interesting)

ALL I KNOW IS THIS….IN MY PAST,WHERE SHAME RIDDLED MY CHOICES, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT I WOULD WISH MYSELF DEAD RATHER THAN FACE MY SELF-IMPOSED HUMILIATION WHEN TELLING LIES.(funny that I am also a makeup artist….lol….but then again I do love dress up)

Anyhow, this question of walking the talk has got my ‘early-bird-got-the-worm’ tail feathers ruffled this morning.

Walking to the local garage at the end of the block this morning I got offered a lift by an obviously ‘been drinking’ driver. I jumped in reluctantly but my curiosity was pricked……what was his agenda?  Well to not state the obvious….lol. I was glad though because I have inherited a bout of the cold from some ‘caring sharing’ individuals. But what fun to smile at the juxtaposition of lives. One guy on a ‘get-milk-for-coffee’ quest. The other searching for a quest to not go home, whilst pretending to be happy driving around alone picking up strangers. I can’t judge….been there done that, and more times than I can remember or want to admit. Ag shem, I just pray he gets home safely without incident.

I took a brave step yesterday, in my blocked up condition, and fraternized with some people at a, dearly loved, friends birthday yesterday. I particularly loved it when a ‘bad’ word blared out from the comical video tribute. Startled snickers from the ‘trying-to-be-all-holy’ group resounded around the room. To say the least it was the perfect ice-breaker for a bunch of great people but acting rather clogged up…..lol…. (not all but some)

ADMITTEDLY,  I AM THE FIRST TO SAY THAT I AM NAUGHTY AND ANTI-RELIGIOUS. YES I BELIEVE IN GOD AND YES I AM TRYING TO BE AN ACTIVE CHURCH-GOING PRODUCTIVE CITIZEN ON THIS PLANET…..BUT I HAVE LITTLE TOLERANCE FOR THE PRETENDING THAT SO MANY RELIGIOUS AND NON-RELIGIOUS PEOPLE PORTRAY.

In my own experience I have found that when I love myself authentically, then I somehow can draw closer to this phenomena called Higher Power. (yes my Higher Power has a specific name but that is my business as is your spiritual well-being your own….)

BACK TO THE STORY.

As I walked back from the shop I wondered why the we call it ‘dead of night’….in my mind it felt  magical  and deeply connected. Somehow bursting with authenticity and void of the pretentiousness us humans tend to bring to an otherwise magnificent world. You know what I mean right? 

As I walked, milk and ciggies in hand, I quietly asked the phenomena that I have a deep love for, ” How do I,  a non-trained writer, a self-confessed sinner, a failing forward human, a learning by the moment, big dreaming, lots to learn and ordinary guy find words to write about this LOVE that really exists?”

Yes, religious books are written by man that may or may not have been influenced by agenda, ego, human error, and possible lack of understanding BUT then EVERYTHING that we know of is also written or taught by the very same species….US.

Soooooooooo let’s dismiss the arguments of who is most right and look at a simple truth: DON’T EACH OF US FAIR BETTER IN OUR GROWTH OF SELF WHEN WE STOP PRETENDING AND JUST BE? NA RECOVERY STEP WORK STARTS WITH STEPPING OUT OF DENIAL AND ADMITTING. 

I know that I am a hypocritical sinner who has lots to learn. But that’s the point; isn’t it? In my mind that is all we ALL are…..learning. In my experience;  when we pretend we look down in self-righteous judgement. But when I step out of denial; I look up in humility.

For me, open skies are far more captivating of my imagination than the finite ground beneath my feet. Somehow skies represent possibility. The ground, a foundation to reach higher and a safety net to fall to.

A bit of writing that I also accidentally stumbled onto whilst Googling ‘cover up’ written by Mike Yaconelli:


I know that it is true for me. I feel like such a liar when I sing songs about my giving my whole life to God, when in truth I haven’t yet. ( so in my honesty when those lyrics come up I don’t sing and rather I pray….God help me get to a point where I can sing that truthfully…)

YOU SEE FOR ME AS A GAY CHRISTIAN I WOULD RATHER DIE KNOWING I WAS AT LEAST HONEST BEFORE MY HIGHER POWER THAT I LOVE, RATHER THAN DIE INSIDE PRETENDING THAT I AM SOMETHING THAT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE YET…..PERFECT!

After all, is the simple authentic postmortem of faith not….’ putting our HOPE in things not yet seen whilst standing in GRACE sufficient’ to help us learn to LEAN onto a POWER greater than ourselves. 

I am not advocating reckless disregard for striving to be better. NOT AT ALL. Rather the focusing on the process of healing rather than pretending to have it figured out in our humanity, might fair us well.  Eish, the latter is such hard work…..don’t you agree?

That sums up LOVE pretty neatly and authentically for me…..how about you? Knowing that I am loved in my flaws as I grow towards wholeness.

STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!

❤ 

• AJB • 

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