LOVE ALREADY 

Wow! It’s been a magnificent time. Full of ups, downs, arounds and many tough moments. 

Like SERIOUSLY!!!!

The other day, well it was more like 4 days,  I found myself in the most heart-wrenching meltdown. The biggest one since my ex and I split up. You know the kind; where Mrs Havisham looks like the prom queen compared to your own curtains drawn & dark solitude. That kind of depressed sulk where ONLY you abide. Mainly because others just get fed up of the needle being put on it. On that old scratched blue vinyl.

AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO ADMIT, I AM A PREDICTABLE MOURNER. {yes that means moaner too, I guess}

I am one of those that, perfectly execute, a Shakesperian death scene. Oh yes, I drag it out like the Queen decoration on top of the Christmas tree. Ugh hugh…..this diva can haul the laundry to another province and back like no other. IT REALLY IRRITATES ME! 

But I jus like dat, hun.

Anyhow, after a week from hell trying to do the right thing after a woeful moment it was weekend again. I had gotten through the week looking like something the cat dragged in and being midly ripped off by 3 hotties. Yes they did. Took advantage of a gentleman in digress. Yes digress!!!! Well if the truth be told; I let them. I guess the sad answer is that I quite fancied the game. I let them get their tiny gains. It was all just pennies, really. The GAME was the most excitement I have had in the PROVOCATEUR game in months since ‘R’ and I ended. 

An article in ‘PsychologyToday’, 10 June 2014 talks about the 7 steps of grieving a breakup.

1) DESPERATE FOR ANSWERS

I have churned every possible word, action, perception and interpretation into every argument possible. 

THE RESULT REMAINS THE SAME.

I AM SINGLE AND HATING IT!!!

2) D3NIAL 

Oh yes!!!! I know all toooooooo well about hoping that this was just a phase and ALL would go back to to normal. Suffice to say I really loved my ex. Perhaps more than was healthy for me.

3) BARGAINING

Shamefully I threw myself and that soiled laundry like a showgirl on opening night. Tassles, dolled up, feathers and fishnets. THE LOT! Look I even tried the SEDUCTIVE angle too. But ain’t no mirror ball gonna glam up a distraught lover in last season’s monologue. Giiiiirl it just ain’t pretty!!!!

4) RELAPSE

Oh hell no!!!! Which is actually French for…indeed yes. I tried every conceivable angle to lure my ex back to my boudoir. TO NO AVAIL. I mean, I did the new found love song. Wrote the song. Sent the pathetic messages. Oscar winning performance for best feature film in a Horrofic Drama…..that’s MOI.

I TOSSED THAT SALAD PROPER.

5) ANGER

Short of visiting the Sangoma and doing some kind of Voodoo; I revelled in the anger. Unfortunately I take most of my anger out on myself. I am a bit sado like that on myself. What peeves me off most is how it seems that every time one finds a great mix of music somewhere somehow someone has been through the same story…and writes a flipping great tune about it too…..Aaaaargh. Flip dancing alone in my fab little apartment, alone, and then BAM….a love song that has me hurling myself like a punch-drunk fighter in a bloody ring at an unforgiving fist of tragic devastation. Even Rocky can’t ‘bob and weave’ out of this one.

6) . INITIAL ACCEPTANCE 

“This is the kind of acceptance that, when it happens early in the process, can feel more like surrender. You are holding up your end of the breakup because you have to, not because you want to.”

NEED I SAY MORE. SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT MOMENT. YOU WANT IT OVER BUT IT’S NOT YET; WELL AT LEAST IN YOUR MIND. BUT YOU DON’T WANT THE HURT ANYMORE…OR DO YOU?

(hate this phase…..soooooo disjointed)

7) REDIRECTED HOPE

“You were leveled by the breakup and have had difficulty letting go, in part because it shattered your relationship with hope. As acceptance deepens, moving forward requires redirecting your feelings of hope—from the belief that you can singlehandedly save a failing relationship to the possibility that you just might be okay without your ex. It’s jarring when forced to redirect your hope from the known entity of the relationship into the abyss of the unknown. But this is an opportunity to redirect the life force of hope. Regardless, hope is somewhere in your reserves and you will access it again as you continue to allow some meaningful distance between you and your ex.

The stages of grief that follow any trauma, breakups included, can happen over the course of minutes or even seconds, across days, months, or years, and then switch around without warning, leaving you feeling without foundation, especially in the beginning. You feel alien to yourself or cut off from the world. However, like any emotional amputation, continuing on in life means learning to live without that part of yourself, and finding ways to compensate for its loss. Furthermore, recognize that there is a method, and a structure of sorts to this chaotic grieving process. Knowing that you are not alone can help you ride it out. Your grieving is part of the human condition—without it, we would not be wired the way we are to handle the many pains and losses that occur in our lives. As the grieving process progresses you will begin to see your way through to a point at which you can let go in a more proactive and self-protective way—a way that you may eventually come to understand as a new beginning.”

Quotations from the author Dr Suzanne Lachmanne of the article ” ME BEFORE WE”

Today was a great day. I forced the curtains open. Cleaned away the boxes of Twinsavers. Spring cleaned my home. Did a mask. And forced myself to DO ME.

I HOPE THAT THE EXTRAVAGANZA OF ‘WOE IS ME’ IS FINALLY OVER. HAVING TAKEN TIME OFF TO JUST GET BACK TO ME HAS BEEN CRUCIAL AND MOMENTOUS.

 With a painting that reflects the anguish of letting go titled “FYT OR DIE”; for a while I will gather myself towards myself and get used to being  SEXY, SINGLE AND ME.

With every home remedy covering me from head to toe in an attempt to BE KIND TO MYSELF, tummy full and DJ Stevie B playing on Mixcloud I simmer into bed.

ALL I CAN SAY TO THOSE THAT ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING IS THIS.

Sometimes it is OK to just let the process be the process. Love does win in the end. Love does find a way to heal even the most melodramatic grieving. It may not look, feel or even seem like there is a better tomorrow…..but there is.

So serve yourself up some beetroot sticks with cucumber slices, Gorgonzola cheese, extra virgin olive oil and balsamic. Enjoy the goodness. Enjoy YOU!

STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!

❤ 

• AJB • 

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