In a not so detrimental calamitous event, all things considered, I snugly (perhaps a teeny weeny tiny bit of smug) cosy up with a coffee in bed and rerun my movie in my head.
The real truth is that sometimes one can seek a moment, albeit it wrong in some eyes, to simply stop the implosion of self. What I mean is this….
After rehab in 2012; a few minor relapses due to re-adjusting to life in a major city; trying hard to fit into church circles as a form of rebuilding necessary healthy friendships and spiritual growth; accidentally, I actually believe by divine intervention, and literally stumbling down the stairs into those melting pot eyes and smile which would be the best human relationship of my life so far; rebuilding a career from zero; a home, which is still underway, from a dusty ‘ol doilie; thefts; LOSSES; ageing weight-gain, which is inconsequential but if one has weighed identically the same since matric, it’s odd; A MAJOR WIN; heartache; starting a business on a dime and a hope; struggling to let go and FINALLY BLEACHING YOUR HAIR PLATINUM AND DONNING GUY LINER.
I WISH I WAS A NORMAL SAINT LIKE YOU DAAAAARLINGS BUT I SIMPLY AM A GUY WHO IS BEYOND BORED OF ALL THE SACRIFICE, HOLDING BACK, SECOND-GUESSING AND PUTTING UP WITH A HALF-BAKED FLOPPY SOUFFLE BUNCH OF MANURE.
I am not advocating reckless disregard for striving for a greater humanity, but seriously, if South Africa and I would go so far as to say ALL MAN GOVERNED INSTITUTIONS are more ‘mafia type rule’ run than real ‘democratic, free and honourably’ run organisations and they get away with it……WHY THE HELL AM I TRYING SO HARD TO ACT CIVILISED?
since the dawn of man the struggle of being top dog or bitch I might add has factioned any attempts to create a free consortium for all people equally.
So it stands to reason that much of what we like to think is happening in the rose-gold world of the moment is actually an ideology of a group who wish to distract us from the criminality of its self-indulgence….AT THE COST OF UNWITTING OTHERS.
BUT WHAT DOES THIS RATHER LARGE CLAIM, although probably closer to the truth than not, have anything to do with my guyliner?
I EXPECT SUCH PERFECTION OF MYSELF! MY CLIENTS OFTEN EXPECT THE SAME OF ME. MY GOD EXPECTS ME TO CONSTANTLY DENY MY HEART REGARDING WHOM I LOVE. MY BILLS EXPECT TO BE PAID. I MUST LOOK THE PART. BE A NICE HUMAN. GROVEL AT THE FEET OF THOSE WHO PAY FOR MY LIFE….
WAIT FOR IT….
BE SUBJECT TO MY OWN IDEAS WITHOUT THE FREEDOM TO EXPLORE THEM WITHOUT JUDGEMENT AND CONDEMNATION…
WHILST THE REST OF THE WORLD RAPES AND PILLAGES ITSELF FOR THE FEW ELITE WHO THINK THEY HAVE SOME GOD-GIVEN EXCLUSIVITY THAT ALLOWS THEM SUCH.
but no……I wear my guilt like a wreath of shame because I want 1 GORGEOUS BLACK BOYFRIEND/ HUSBAND THAT WILL WILLINGLY CREATE THAT ENVIABLE EXOTIC LIFE OF EBONY ON IVORY.
With the kettle on the boil much like my need for my dancing shoes, I put a much needed #$@! this into its much needed #$@! that and decide that spilt milk is spilt milk.
WHAT’S DONE IS DONE AND I AM BUT HUMAN AFTER ALL.
the tears are cried
to quote:” the butter to my bread and breathe to my life” in dark graphite chocolate is waiting to fill in the colour of the picket fence picture in my mind and I simply don’t give a flying #$@! to the guilt and shame anymore.
SO GUYLINER IT IS.
THE REST WE WILL LEARN ALONG THE ROAD CALLED “FINDING MY WAY HOME”.
U AND I ARE….
So let’s kick off a fab week with….
STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!
(oops the cat is out the bag…..ooooò well daaaaarling…..guess you got something to chinwag about now….lol….have a fabulous day and I hope you enjoyed this little Sunday read)
• AJB •