My lips hurt. I have had a non-sexual herpes since I was a child. I was born with it. So every so often they flair up on my lips. Needless to say I hate it. BUT when my monster wins my lips show the trauma of my addiction like a lighthouse near rocky bays.
My feet hurt. I guess the toxicity of the chems show themselves by near crippling me. But it could also just be tired hairdressing feet on top of my addiction.
My ribs hurt. I slipped on a wet cement stair and landed ribs first. Luckily it’s all just bruising and no real damage.
My brain hurts. That is normal after days of haze.
I raise my flag. I SIMPLY CANNOT be like NORMAL people. I can’t enjoy freedom without strong bodyguards. I mean it. Any privacy is an avenue to be turned into escape.
I have asked myself so many times….what do you want to escape from, or to. A simple answer is that in my addict world I am the prize waiting to be plucked. Somehow, even though I love life sober, the fantasy in my head is so alluring that when I am in the addiction cycle I don’t want it to stop. It all sounds so wierd but it is true.
In my addiction I care about every tiny detail. Creating the perfect ambience, perfect sound, perfect aromas, and perfect me. Well as perfect as me can be. I kinda get off on the magical world. It is romantic and completely void of outside judgement and influence.
BUT it is not fulfilled. I don’t know if it ever can be. I unfortunately have NEVER had the chance to know. The FULFILLMENT would be…the Surprise Guest actually arriving and devouring the prize. Not in a violent horrible way. More like the concubine who hates being the concubine but then is chosen by the one she loves, and surrenders.
I don’t know how to surrender. Those that have had tried to have sex with me will tell you I am impossible. Every detail has to be perfect. No distractions. No hidden agenda.
Somehow, even in the real world, the desire to be totally willingly surrendered is something I have absolutely no idea means.
Why is this so important? Well the entire structure of the 12 Step program starts with stepping out of denial and SURRENDERING.
So in my point if view…if the only option one has to surrender because there is no alternative; then that is not surrender it is a hostile takeover.
So round and round the flipping mountain we go.
The idea is….if I knew what it means, looks like, feels like, tastes like, sounds like I might have the chance to surrender to the part of me that wants to create a life free from the addict in me.
Perhaps it is all addiction. I am an addict to everything. Except evil, violence, hate, judgement, lies, theft, and all things that force another to be subject to another.
For years I have believed that there is no conquest if it is not gained fairly and justly.
So too in my life. I keep away from anyone who tries to force my hand, manipulate or overpower me. Hence the continuation of this idea in my active addiction.
A lot of people might see the apparently sordid surface and judge it so. But the truth lies far deeper.
Look I am not validating my addiction. MY ADDICT WANTS TO KILL ME…THAT IS THE TRUTH. The interesting thing however is it wants to kill me because it is unloved, unheard, unexplored and is angry and lonely.
What if the moment happened? Would the addict still need to fight to have its way? Would I find peace in me to set aside that world that hurts so many around me? Would I want more moments?
The point is this. In terms of my religion…God does not force us to choose him, he asks? So if that is the standard, by example, are we forcing ourselves, eachother and everything around us to bend to our thoughts, ideas and will?
So as I wrestle with the, YET AGAIN, destruction of an unfulfilled addiction crises I simply wonder HOW ON EARTH IS THERE GOING TO BE A SURRENDER IN ME THAT WILL GO ONTO ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE THE IDEALIST IN ME KNOWS SHOULD BE THE STANDARD NORM?
I am not a fancy pants snob. I just believe that each of us would far benefit if we abandoned the hostile takeover method, which does not work as it creates resentment and slaves.
You see as a stylist I often hear, ‘I love it when the stylist just does my hair the way I want it.’
Well hear is your answer darling….’ If you only knew how much better I can do it than that if you would willing surrender to the artist me who is addict to everything beautiful.’
So if I am honest….I really don’t blame the addict in me that seeks a moment of truthful surrender when the the sober me is insulted daily by the: I DON’T THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR MY HAIR from people who neither have studied and slaved at a career to know something about it. And worse yet will ask the opinion of others who have not studied it either.
LIKE FOR REAL GIRL?
Stay your amazing self!