I have thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of being my own boss. It has given me the chance to explore myself outside of the confines of having a boss. Yes, I did it incorrectly in many ways but the gift is that I clearly have some answers about myself.
I know now that, like many people I need to put into place checks and balances as my balsamic tastes and vinegar pocket are at war with eachother. AND MOST DECIDEDLY I NEED TO GROW MY BUSINESS TO ACHIEVE THE LIFESTYLE THAT MOST NOURISHES ME.
I don’t dream of world travel, or expensive clothes, fancy cars or homes; decor yes; but i dream of being effective in bringing change to other’s lives less fortunate than mine. I always have been that way. Oh and I need a home that has a garden so that I can have a pet. I am dying for a pet.
In the last while besides giving myself permission to seek the desires of my heart, I ran into a few simple truths. I sometimes disappointment others in my quest to find myself. God knows it’s been too long. At 43 one would imagine that one would be moderately settled.
NOT ME. I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY FIGHTING ADDICTION, AND TRYING TO BE A BETTER ME THAT I HAVE NOT GRANTED MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO PLAY. THE TRICK IS NOW TO PLAY IN A MORE WHOLESOME WAY.
AND I AM GOING TO NEED EVERY OUNCE OF HELP I CAN GET….ON EVERY LEVEL. WHEN ONE HAS LIVED A LIFE OF REPEATED ISOLATION AND BEHAVIOURAL DYSFUNCTION IT IS INTIMIDATING TO LET PEOPLE IN.
I AM SCARED.
what if they really think I am not nice?
Anyhow I need to get going with the dance class, art class and to start participating in a walking club until I am fit enough to start running.
But God knows I need my hand held through the daunting challenges of exposing myself…fully clothed lol…to a world differently.
Just writing about it I feel my palms getting sweaty and chest closing in fear of failure and in a more authentic way disappointing people with my social-inadequacies. It’s funny I can entertain on mass but intimate one on one I tend to hide the truth that I actually have no idea on how to effectively change things for the better, save money or start to follow my authentic dreams.
AND YES THAT MEANS SINGLE. AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO THINK ABOUT BUILDING A LIFE FOR MYSELF ON MY OWN IT MUST BE DONE.
I need real life friends now more than ever before. Rehab is a NO-NO. been there, done it, sick of it….therapy I can swallow for now, but it’s being socialised and integrated into life that is the necessary and crucial evil…..lol.
And to start it has be on the cheap and easy going but with definite pressures and goals that are achievable to build my confidence.
I know it seems strange as I am so open as a person but it does not mean that every blog, every conversation, every chance meeting with other humans doesn’t terrify me.
SO AS I AWAIT THE NEWS OF WHETHER I HAVE BLOWN IT COMPLETELY WITH MY COLLEAGUES; AND I WAIT WITH NERVOUS BATED BREATHE….I QUIETLY PRAY AND BEG THAT THIS LAST EPISODE BE THE LAST ONE FOREVER BECAUSE IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS ARE A SELF-DEFEATING EXERCISE.
my mystery fantasy is both neither real or possible to execute….God knows I have tried.
But as the vinegar tingles the tip of my tongue and I hold onto the hope of balsamic flavour I know that the fat lady has not yet sung and that the sun does indeed shine on.
STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!
• AJB •