Knock knock…who is there? Nobody yet. Knock knock…who is there? Still nobody yet? Knock knock…oh shoosh and go away.
The mindless rhetoric of a brain, body, spirit and soul resurfacing after waves of self-imposed torture kind of feels a bit like snails and garlic. Slimy with pungent flavour. Everything is desperately trying to connect a line kind of like the old telephone service of “nommer asseblief.”
I really done it this time. Near pushed myself to the point of cuckoo’s nest.
I mean I spoke to nameless faceless shadows who sort to devour me. I wrestled with vanishing puffs of darkness. I nearly surrendered myself to the vacancy of mind as a means to stay in that world of chaotic bliss.
I NEAR LOST IT COMPLETELY.
for years I kind of loved the mindgames of ‘is it real or is it just chemical hallucinations.?’ I know it’s wierd to hear…but I loved trying to figure out which it was.
Sadly it shows me how deep the loneliness goes, that a person has to risk their life and sanity for a moment of intrigue and fascination.
It is a spinoff from my childhood. I was ever in the clouds. Always chasing a what if or what will?
Even now as an award winning stylist the world of competition work allows the privilege to abandon the rules of hair and experiment with the WHAT IF OR WHAT WILL…..
For the 1st time I have drawn a line in the sand. This far and no further. This last exercise of searching an impossible idea nearly broke my mind. You see I have always been a solution finder…it’s one of my strongest character attributes and weaknesses. So my last escape into the crevices of my mind brought me to a place of where I’d rather keep searching eternally for this fantasy of extravagant proportions than live life on life’s terms.
This is how I know that a line must be drawn and everything must be done to move as far away from the boy inside that seeks to dream impossible dreams.
Thankfully I have enjoyed a lot of life sober so can say it’s not bad. But the danger remains in the fact this mind of mine likes to solve things. I am by no means a genius but I do like to figure things out.
For the 1st time in years I am allowing myself to listen to reiki healing music. I was a reiki practitioner until I became a Christian and was told it is demonic. Well to be honest…I am not so sure that that is accurate. At some point I will go back and redo my courses and open myself up to that world again.
Perhaps part of my mindgames of chasing demons is the fact that Christians have taught an innocent boy that anything but Jesus is demonic. Perhaps he seeks to conquer them so that others don’t have to. Perhaps he hurts himself because he believed that God cursed him because he was born psychic. Perhaps he needs to leave a religion and find his own personal wholesome relationship with GOD who loves and saves him timeously. Perhaps his escapism at night is brought on by the condemnation of his sexuality in the day. Perhaps his shame is the vehicle to his need to end it all.
But how amazing is God anyhow….so the therapist who diagnosed a man as clinically depressed after 2x 30 min sessions….seriously must dream on. Because both those sittings came after a downer after my relapses…. and the referred councillor never got back to me.
BUT WAIT FOR IT…..
God in his mercy found me a councillor by the name of Louis who has volunteered my service in exchange for his service.
No; its not prescribed medication or rehab (that I have done to death and back) that is going to keep a boys mind from seeking alternative pleasure in the unreal.
It is the honest sincere and playful exploration of the here and now that will keep his curiosity from reaching further.
In other words it is finding people who will dress up for high tea in the garden, throw paint at canvas in swimming gear, have food fights, run eachother exotic bathes, send silly but personal messages, go for a walk in the hills in heels and simply play silly buggers BECAUSE ONE CAN.
So as I endeavour to find an inner peace in me that resonates with me and I look to let go of the demons on my back that I have carried around for 43 years….remember God really does love us….& yes Vic he is both in us but also outside of us. HE IS THE AIR WE BREATHE TOO.
Now to drag myself off this bed of mine and gear myself to face my colleagues to see whether I have a last shot at saving the day or not.
WISH ME LUCK.
STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!
• AJB •