Today has been a tough day!
I really wanted to do everything, well not eeeeeeverything, that required money, being away from home and other people. No, not in a sexual way; although if it was right it would have been nice for a change. I have had more disastrous attempts at getting my jig on in the last nine months than ever. I guess it’s what happens when I chase getting under another to get over another. Let’s just say lines blurred make dangerous choices. The point is this, like most of us, I think that when we must do something we feel like doing the opposite.
I, seriously, had to dig deep to play with myself today. Get your mind out the gutter; what I mean is that I had to force myself to enjoy being with me. For a long time I was trying hard at making a relationship work and after it, holding on so tight that I didn’t give myself a real chance at processing my baggage.
But if I am going to do this ‘THIS THIS’ ; write about it; in a transparent way then I need to spill some beans.
I struggle with many things regarding others.
The irony is that I do a kind of ‘crazy/fun/humorous’ mask thingy that is supposed to get people to want to just join in the fun. The complex thing is that I am instinctively those characteristics naturally too. But, I yield those instincts so that even though eyes may be focused on me, they only see what I want them to see.
It’s a little like this blog. Yes, it’s all true. Yes, it’s truly my perception of the world. BUT THERE IS SO MUCH THAT I DON’T SAY.
So it’s odd, when caring people say that people who read my blog feel that they know me. Yes, they know what I want them to know…those bits I have processed and could care less if people judge me for them or not.
The things that are to follow are probably the best ammunition that anyone could have on me because I haven’t worked through them and have no idea how to.
I don’t really know how to make friends. When people are close to me, I feel I need to give them what they expect of me…it’s that people-pleaser in me thing. I actually get all nervy and barriers go up and I silently wait for the moment for them to pounce. By pouncing I mean reveal the truth of what they want out or from of me that to me is an invasion or ‘too soon’ or misuse of a friendship.
Understand, for years I was using narcotics, or recovering from or working my butt off to support a habit and to stay alive. So social engagement is really hard for me as I don’t have a set of memories or run of the mill practice to rely on. Often I will do or say the wrong things but it’s only when I am trying to stand up for my thoughts or beliefs on a matter. And even though I know that I am allowed to own my own truth, the methodology lacks finesse sometimes and I can rub people up, horribly I might add, the wrong way. Or I tend to be so OTT trying to fit in that others think that I am just wierd. AND YES I AM A BIT WIERD BUT HARDLY TO THE EQUAL VALUE OF THE REACTIONS I HAVE STIRRED IN OTHERS OVER THE YEARS. Or you will find me scurrying around helping the hosts fetch drinks etc….to keep from conversation as I feel inadequate. Or I play with the pets. My only topic of real passion is the good old heart to heart…..as long as it’s yours. In the salon however…..well that is something to experience; that’s MY stomping ground. I earned it, worked for it, sweat it and claim it on those grounds.
I get really scared of others. I am not used to generosity from others so gifts or compliments or random niceness. It gets me panicked and I start imagining all sorts of odd manners of expected pay back. In years gone by I have made myself, beyond broke, to countermatch a gift just in case another wants an expected return. YES, I GUESS YOU CAN TELL THAT I HAVE HAD EXPERIENCE IN THIS REGARD.
I am terrified of hanging around gorgeous and particular straight boys as it’s just a matter of time when my hormones will kick in and any hope of a platonic friendship will be smashed to the rocks. As for girls, I eventually get frustrated when they get all girly girl on me as I don’t know how to relate. AND NO DOING YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP AFTER HOURS ISN’T FUN….IT’S HOW I LIVE.
Being at an old familiar crossroads is rather daunting this time.
I need to make solid friends but have no cooking clue how to do so in a natural way. The crises is this….in order for me to move away from an old behaviour I need to adopt a new behaviour. In other words to let go of my iron fist grip on destructive behaviours I need to open my hand to constructive, healthy and wholesome ones. So to let go of my best friend being ‘damaging myself with drugs’ I need a friend that can replace that one. It’s sounds wierd but when the only friend one has had is ‘self-destruction’ it’s one you learn to handle as it is so polished that the only face you see is your own.
I have started saying things like, “dress up for high tea, splash paint on canvas in swimwear,” to measure the reactions of others. It’s sneaky I know. But when a lifesaver is saving a drowning victim the victim needs to trust that the rescuer will save them and not struggle against the rescuer. So too is it for me. I want desperately to let go of drowning but the rescuer (friend) in this case will have to be so dynamic, fun and interesting with a passion to match my own that I won’t resist.
My survival instincts are so finely honed that even though I risk my very life jumping into my destructive pond, I know exactly what to do to get to the shore.
I HAVE EXHAUSTED MYSELF AND AM THOROUGHLY BORED OF THE ‘JUMP AND SWIM’ GAME.
I would like companionship that is first and foremost sincerely honest and to be patient with me until I have learnt to trust them. Able to hear hard truths and not be moved by them….I haven’t always been a saint you know….in case you were wondering. Obviously the terms are mutual reciprocity.
The win is this, if I am correct, that a person like myself will bring much excitement and colour to the world. Look I am not being arrogant! My entire life I have heard people say that they have NEVER met anyone else like me. Now I have no idea what that means or even how to measure that, but taking the fact that I have heard it more times than I can ever hope to remember can only mean that I am unusually out of the ordinary in some ways. Although if I am honest it makes me feel like an alien; the individual in me digs it.
I simply cannot help that the only 2 (personal) reasons I want to be wealthy are these: I would like to know what it feels like to be able to decide on the spur of the moment to eat french and fly to France and do so with a bit of bribery and corruption immediately and to walk into my favourite car brand factory with blueprints of a car and have them made to spec so that it’s only me who has one…..
Obviously I have other feel good reasons for being wealthy but they involve making others happy.
Not that life is about money for me, but it’s tough not having any. Life is and always has been about experience for me which is why when I have had to take inventory of my wrongdoings as part of the 12 Step program, I have blown up to 3x the amount of money on others than myself trying to create happy memories out of an experience.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT…THE RAW UNADULTERATED TRUTH OF MYSELF. NOW THE QUESTION IS HOW DO I MAKE THE CHANGE QUICK ENOUGH, SAFE ENOUGH THAT I NEVER HAVE TO ‘JUMP AND SWIM’ EVER AGAIN?
STAY YOUR AMAZING SELF!
• AJB •