Johannesburg 4:00 am…. it’s cold and quiet.

An hour in, coffee with cream, a day awaits with expectant πŸ’Ž waiting to be plucked and staring at the shadows πŸƒ on the ceiling has become a dull game. A conversation has 😳 me. People only want happy stuff on social-media or else one might be branded as UNSTABLE. Isn’t it amazing how perceptions can be so controlling of our lives even if they are wrong. 


In rehab the gay kids were deliberately kept apart from each other as much as possible to avoid sexual mishaps. Now on the surface that seems kind, caring and thoughtful so as to avoid shame and embarrassing scenarios for the patients. The crazy thing is that most gay people have a penchant for what they can’t have, i.e. ‘Straight peeps’. There are many theories that revolve around the subject but in my opinion the most accurate is that one doesn’t want a ❀️ that one has to compete for. What I mean is this? Having another that is inexperienced in something may yield an exclusive yet passionate partnership. Let’s be honest for a minute. The 1st time we knew the honest, consenting and mutually passionate experience of sexual intimacy created a benchmark of expectation. Thereafter, anything less left a bitter hollow of dissatisfaction and rejection in our soul. We then  expend so much energy trying to preen ourselves creating an image that will draw THAT moment back into existence.

That being said, in rehab, I became intrigued and friendly with a straight guy. The truth is that he was ☝️ of the few that gave me the time of day. I found him fascinating. He was a typically rugged guy but deeply sensitive. I always find this interesting as the male role models in my own life had always been cold, troubled and harsh. Anyhow, perceptions started to float around that something other than a plutonic relationship was going on. I was both shocked and 😑.  Shocked because he was nothing of ‘my type’ and angry because others were far more friendly than him and I were. The perceptions were wrong but to avoid judgement I agreed to separate myself from the friendship. 

The discussion yesterday with a friend and client about social-media left that same bitter hollow rejection in my gut. I know that I can be quite melodramatic and colorful that can lead people to believe the wrong things about me… But what if the only resource that another has of friendship is social-media. So often in a day I get messages from people who tell me that my vulnerability helps them face their lives. This is the only exacting and accurate perception to have of my blog.

The point however is taken. THANK YOU! To try create a more positive PERCEPTION of myself and my blog I am only going to post nude pics of myself… just kidding! That would really be a MAJOR πŸ‘Ž. The cool challenge is to take the essence of this blog and to say the same thing in a way that is still real but with a more comfortable result. That is a serious struggle for me! I am one of those that doesn’t have a filter. Too often what I think πŸ’­ or experience pops straight out of my πŸ‘„. At least it is honest and not calculated πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

Life is so funny! Just as I was getting into a rhythm I πŸ€• my back. Nothing serious at all. I think I just pulled an old muscle….lol. So the πŸ•Ί for exercise and pleasure is on hold and life is a ‘go slow’ for a bit. The result is that I 🎨 on Monday. 

Night 🌺 

I love the abstraction of the πŸ’‘. The symbolism is  startling but obvious. Even though we may not see colors in the dark it does not mean that they don’t exist. Each of us has mountains to climb and valleys to conquer. Our struggles can dull our perceptions sometimes, but when we just βœ‹ and notice the 🌎 around us we find our colour. In fact, if the truth be told we find that our colors become more vivid with every experience we come through. Haven’t you found that the most interesting people in life are the ones who have had some hectic times. 

I ADORE MY OLDER CLIENTS! When I hear of life in WW2 and the struggles after, I am so grateful that someone else was brave enough to face that. We owe the fact that we can use the loo in our 🏑 to our grandparents. So often that generation had loos in an ‘out-house’. And let me tell you that when one is taking a poo in the loo and a friendly 🐍 decides to say “Hello”….. well you can imagine the rest for yourself.

Like 🌺 seem to die they only become compost for the next 🌹 to shine it’s colours brightly. Life is a rough rhythm but it flowers even in the ‘nights’ of our lives!






2 thoughts on “NIGHT 🌺 

  1. Good for you Maestro , don’t limit you unique expressive self to allow comfort for the readers , just stay yourSELF

    Deep and challenging blog , unique and fabulous .

    Heal fast but rest well

    Love El

    Liked by 1 person

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