Slicing the chase; my personal history is comparable to peddled self-doubt.
What does this mean? From the super-spiritual to the interpretations of events, I was sold down the river. It is a long winded tale. Every kind of abuse, self-inflicted and by others has braised my life with crippling consequences. As a follow on from SWEET SUNDAY PERVE, I woke up this morning in my tranquil home, coffee in hand with a pressing question, “What is self-love?”
n an attempt to create the mood of this blog, as an experiential experiment, please play the following mix off Mixcloud to feel the depth of this blog. This 3 hr collection, truly expresses the journey of self-love. At times we float along, scratch a way forward, trip up and feel like giving up. From experience I have seen and still do that magic happens in each movement. The journey is an authentic one built on the simple fact that we are born to be kings and queens.
(pic I took this AM of bits and pieces to talk about ‘HIDDEN TREASURES’)
I guess the right place to start is…..
You are not the sum of your life, job, money, beauty, body, mind and/or desires.
What I mean is that we are the version of ourselves that is prescribed in the etchings of love. It is in this that our organic preference is untainted. The easiest explanation is found in children. As a stylist I am often amazed by the ideas of my young clients. No matter the age, outspoken children have very definite ideas about their hair. The shy kids take some work to build trust but eventually also become vocal about their preferences. Often I wish parents would back off from being controlling and just observe these little ones express their ideas without judgement. So often parents create unnecessary insecurities by imposing their personal desires onto these little sponges. Some kids authentically love bedhead hair, others tidy, others wants punky colours and some want to fit in. When a friend fell pregnant I had the wonderful experience of watching her son in the first few years of his life. When he could walk my car keys, shoes and everything else ended up in the bin or loo.
I was amazed that he had observed our behaviours and duplicated them.
It remains a tragedy to me that I never had children of my own. By that I mean adopting. At 43 I have made peace with living vicariously through the lives of other parents.
This next story is a deeply disturbing one but a reality for me. The spiritual war on my life has been a distinctive one. Why? I wish that I knew. Please understand it takes a lot to share this weird story, but for context of this blog it is essential. Be kind in your judgement as many have dig the dagger of hate in deeply.
I cannot remember exactly the age I was, but an intelligent estimate, about 1. My mom was sleeping with me in her arms when something started to pull me out of her arms. Switching the light on, fighting this intruder, she realized that it was a spiritual entity. Nothing physical was visible. She often told how she had never been so frightened and prayed like she had never prayed before. Something tried to take the life ahead of me in the most disturbing and bizarre way. It has left a cautionary scar! A spiritual scar that has created a beast in me that must fight for the belief in truth and love. Today 42 years later, I have come to accept that spiritual is so a part of me that I cannot separate myself from it. It pours out of me in everything I do. Good or bad. It has taken mega heartache to get to a point of accepting myself as valid.
Valid like each and every person on this planet, gone, here now and still to come!
(This screenshot, ⬆️, a blog from Huffington post, authored by Elyse Santilli, titled: ‘8 Ways to Increase Your Self-love’)
After my last relationship ended, I took to healing myself through blogging. I went back to basics in every way. I went back to the therapy notes and lessons. I stopped the onslaught of the world by isolating myself from it. I decided that the most valid input would come from my Higher Power. I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t lose myself anymore trying for the approval from other humans. My innocence had been robbed through sexual abuse and my trust of the world broken by emotional and physical abuse from a cruel father. I spent so many years perpetuating that self-hatred through sexual promiscuity, addiction and people-pleasing because I didn’t feel valid. I seriously thought that the world was better off if I was dead. I was of no use, just trouble. And boy did I co-create some spectacular messes!
Sometimes, irritatingly, like still smoking I still self-harm. The process of getting myself back to a point of self-love is quicker. Miracles happen, daily around me now. I see it in the feedback I get from friends who love me so dearly that they spank me emotionally when I second guess myself. I see it in the tiny growth of my business that I started with R600 in my pocket, the connection I experience with my new relationship, my better use of responsibility, and the love I feel for others as I prompt them to be their authentic selves. Everyday, male, female, straight, not, religious, agnostic and hurt or healing makes a point of hugging or getting a dose of my antics that are crude but affirming it a non-judgemental way. Yip, I am that guy that deliberately deploys shock tactic to cut the wheat from the chaff. It’s naughty and in-your-face. I don’t really care. Time goes by so fast that trying to mollycoddle people to let go of silly restraints is not my idea of fun. My personal mantra: live laugh, be, explains me well.
After years of trying to get people to love me because I didn’t know how, isolation brought me into contact with a love that runs so deep. So deep in fact that I am well aware that I haven’t even begun to scratch below water level yet. But my heart pours out for #❤️🌍🌈, profoundly. We chase power, money, sex, status, validation whilst all the while sacrificing ourselves. We make ourselves slaves. Like myself, we all need a dose of organic and authentic self-love. I hope my little journey will inspire you to stop and discover the star substance in yourself.
SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNT ABOUT SELF-LOVE?
STEP OUT OF DENIAL:
Much like a kid in a toy shop, our eyes are seduced by the colours, shapes and excitement of new things. Separating ourselves from the stimulants that distract us from noticing ourselves is essential. In our private sanctuary, that safe space, we need to to put it out there that we are raising our white flags and acknowledge that our best shot at life yielded some results. We need to accept that perhaps there is more to this life than we think or know. I mean, logically speaking, if we had all the answers wouldn’t we be living perfect lives? Once we are in the toy shop again, rather than being seduced, we notice what we instinctively are drawn to. We ask ourselves, “Why do I like this? Is it drawing me to something else inside of me that needs healing? What is that healing needed and how do I find the answers?”
The answers do come. Sometimes it hurts because we are at fault, other times we gain victory from false perceptions. Each lessons inspires us to search more. The rainbow in us begins to unfold.
This is a tricky part! Being grateful is not just saying thank you for our lives. Grateful is also about allowing ourselves to be moved and changed for the better. It is about not beating others down to achieve our personal goals. It is more about becoming an equal citizen that allows ourselves and others to win through our respective talents. Gratitude is the actioning of the idea that each of us is on this planet and each of us should be granted the tools to thrive. Thriving and striving is the name of the game. We are born to be kings and queens.
GETTING BACK TO BASICS:
As we all know, when we move house we chuck a lot of stuff. We tend to gather things that collect dust in moth eaten boxes in the back-bottom if the attic or garage. From time to time we need to reassess ourselves and see if we have moved away from the process of giving ourselves time to discover our uniqueness and our gifts to be shared in the world.It happens so easily, distraction! One way that I recognize that I am moving towards falseness is if I find myself judging instead of trying to understand. I am not talking about calling out bad behaviours. But when I call it out in a manner that demeans others then chances are I am hurting myself too. When I hurt, my flawed humanity wants to lash out and make others feel my pain. It takes so much learning to adjust this but it is better than ever before. You? It is times of tripping up that we need to acknowledge our humanity, make amends and laugh at our fragility. We all do it so it doesn’t make us bad, just learning.
Every day we need to give ourselves a pat on the back for the good things we did. Why this is important is because our brokenness wants to point us to our failings. Eventually as we practice doing our goodness it becomes a natural flow in our daily lives. It is here however, where deploying wisdom is necessary. In our new state of goodwill we can easily become prey to people who are still captured by predatorial accents. This process of daily, taking stock and recognizing the distractions from our authenticity grows us into a hard and fast foundation of truth. It is in this sharpening of our iron that we begin to stand for goodness as we self-adjust our lives to look like the heart we find inside ourselves.
This is where I am beginning to walk. Over the last few months, blessings have been poured out onto me. I am not talking about fee-rides. I am talking about the rewards of my discipline and choosing to become a connected part of a universal love. Life is still far from my dreams but each moment I am aware that my dreams are near. I cannot wait to have the budget to create an international ad campaign for SLIPT. I dream of creating an uninhibited, emotional art piece that declares war on the status quo. I dream of a global impact that gives greater license to freedom of expression that is outside of hate, anger and man-made restrictions. I dream of SLIPT being a beacon of hope to others to take the journey towards a life lived well for all.
Magic is where we raise others by being the person we are born to be!
Stay your amazing self!