Connect an’ cronies

An older but distinctive flavour, Cafe Del Mar intrinsically sets the mood for tonight. Taking a moment to honor life for being amazing by soaking in a bath laden with oils, salts and rose petals I kind of, in my own small way, act gratefully for a moment that has spun my darkness into forgiveness and blazoned motivation. The fight for better goes on.

Plug in your earphones and enjoy reading this blog…..well, at least I hope so. Enjoy the mix at least!

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CAFE DEL MAR

In what has been a rather startling experience over the course of the last week, today catapulted my self-esteem/ worth to near dangerous heights. I can almost smell and taste the scorched feathered wings. I must confess that I am not great at receiving kindness. Gosh, for most of my life the inferiority complex that has been handed over by cruel circumstances has oft left me feeling like kindness needs to be paid back in sort. If I can be bluntly honest, in my sub-culture categorization, it usually means naked and well we will leave the rest up to the 50 shades of your imagination. But people have taken my breathe away, overwhelmingly and simply beyond words….says the wannabe blogger….lol. Sometimes we all need a little care to remind us that the world isn’t only a hard place. Sometimes a little energy that is beyond the predictable can add just enough light to press another onto greater heights when all seems lost. To each of you, whom I guess would prefer to remain nameless, AB/AB, JM/SM, JS/ES, BC, MZ/RE and the countless others that have fought when there has been little fight left, I cannot applaud you enough for being shining examples of a humanity that can break chains. This is a humanitarian wannabe’s purest delight. THANK YOU!

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In my tumultuous numbness over the last period many questions have blank spaces. The ‘Do I/ Don’t I’ can be so scary if it means that lines in the sand must be drawn and others may get hurt, by default. As weird as it might sound bunking work, although plausible behavior under the circumstances, hurts people, seldom in my life have I consciously aimed choices directly so. Sometimes it has happened, the guilt is crushing, more than not I slink back into my bewildered, ‘What the heck, why me?’

I guess many South Africans, too, are asking themselves of late, “Why us? Couldn’t the ZUPTA clan have defrauded, racially divided and corrupted Dubai for crying out loud? Why the magnificence of Fugard, Bosman, Uys, Fassie, Theron, Bra Hugh and the lists of enormous talent, that can go on endlessly,spat on by a legacy tarnished by the ANC FATCATS of late?”

On that note I took a rather hardly difficult to find magnifying glass to the ‘TOP 6’. With the self-proclaiming racist, ‘I won’t employ whites in my fast-food chains,’ and recent sex scandal embroiled newly appointed President heading an even more dubious Gupta affiliated compadre, the question is, “Is all of this mere showboating and more cloak-n’-dagger bullshit?” Look I am no saint myself and am ashamedly but honestly facing my authenticity daily and demons too. But are they? Surely if the taxpayer pays these public servants then our job is to see if we are paying the right folk? Surely? At least, as in my case, a close eye cast to keep accountability open and South Africans honored in the manner of authentic African custom. So I formed a simple list that explains why, the shuffle is much more like a ‘2 left legged dancer’ than a Prima Ballerina.

DAVID MABUZA/ FRAUDSTER AND CORRUPT

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GWEDE MANTASHE/ COMMUNIST AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE

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ACE MAGASHULA/ CORRUPT AND TAX MONEY SPENDTHRIFT AND ALREADY EMBROILED IN VOTER SCANDALS

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JESSE DUARTE/ NOT SO GREAT AT INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS OR MUCH ELSE IF THE PAPERS ARE TO BE CONSIDERED ACCURATE

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PAUL MASHATILE/ ZUMA CRONY WHO HELPED OUST OUR BETTER PRESIDENT TO GET RAPIST ZUMA IN

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Now I am not a learned man but somehow the physics, math and creative hustle of power configuration seems STILL AWFULLY SADDLED TO ANOTHER ZUPTA OR WILL IT BE CALLED RUPTA ONSLAUGHT.

Dear ZA

Let’s not pop our corks too hastily because I think our fight is NOT YET OVER.

Just a thought?

AND PERHAPS SOME MORE DOORS NEED TO SLAMMED SHUT ON A DISGRACEFUL ANC IF OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS AND CITIZENS APLOMB NOT REAFFIRMED IN A REAL MANNER OF UPLIFTMENT!

THE AMAJIVE LOOKS POISED FOR POLITICAL UPHEAVAL IF VEEEEEERRRY RECENT PAST BEHAVIOURS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR, OR IS THAT MEGA BILLIONS UNACCOUNTED FOR…..MMMMM? NEVERMIND THE LACK OF ETHNICITY BEING REPRESENTED ACROSS THE NEC AS DECLARED AND INSTITUTED ACROSS OTHER SECTORS SUCH AS NATIONAL SPORT.

The continuation of the marginalization of born-and-bred non racist race groups must come to an end!!!!!!

CHOOSE ❤️

Stay your amazing self!

#❤️🇿🇦🌈, #❤️🌍🌈

✌🏽

AJB•

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Colour outside lines

News, a muse and tip-tap-toe on the brightly colored lined quilt cuts through the drab ivory walls that cohere the the whitewash of power hungry deceit. Almost like the disruption caused by Technicolor breaking old black and white flicks the wash is anything but amusing. As the night crackles a bust up screeching wireless, the assault of the Rivonia traffic bangs through the windows bringing with it the dreaded Mozzies. Which is less tolerable, none the wiser? An offer of ‘fun’ plagues my mind. I guess the upside is that I still get invites, but what I really want is a bit of care more than just the bear. The crazy thing is; and I know that it is lame; I always secretly hope that I might reel in a catch that chooses to stay tangled in the net for a bit longer than when the sun rises & goodbyes follow on hot pursuit. I mean I can’t be that bad ……lol….. can I?

The titivating on social-media is rather hysterical since the announcement of, ‘It’s a boy’. I mean the guy has hardly slurped up the last glass of taxpayer funded bubbly, like seriously. The litmus test is going to be whether he in all effect can turn around our 2 ‘Junk Status’ ratings and avoid Moody delivering the looming decisive hat-trick blow. Beyond that, as time is always the ultimate revealer, will CR have any influence over the strained livelihood of the poorest of the poor in ZA. With all my heart I hope so! Actually with all my heart it would be nice for a bit if my own life could have a little strain lifted for a bit. Goodness knows that I have done everything I know how to keep going until……. well until the going was unable to even draw back the curtains for a week. Legs gave way to lying prostate and incapacitated by the sheer despondency of seeing a life diminishing. In many ways the direct correlation to my own psyche and that of my home country cut such tight parallels. Sincerely, I just wish we could get to a point where we recognized humanity over bottomlines and excessive profit margins driven by shark infested conglomerates that forget that life, all life, is more important than 1 cent profit and certainly that nepotistic corruption, and self-indulgent greed is an enemy of the entire planet.

And so the innate battle between our authentic blueprint versus our learned behaviors ensues. We all grapple with BS that lunges itself at us from every spectrum. Whether it be cold calling advertising to the fact that every darn thing screams for our attention from seatbelts to fridge doors. Our spaces are over saturated with attention sapping vampiric gadgets. Gosh, even this flipping mobile is in constant need of updating itself. It is a right royal pain in the butt.

Truthfully, I miss our lives where a little more autonomy, fresher air and secret adventures lie in mystical forests just outside our back patios; minus the snakes of course…..lol. And minus the dreadful Christmas Songs. Christmas has never been a time of joy for me. In fact the idea of the odd disappointing gift, consumerism pumped up to an inch of its life, people trying so hard to spread cheer and the inevitable ‘have-nots’ looking at the false trappings of a moment stirring up thoughts of deep envy and sorrow is hardly my perception of togetherness.

I know that I sound like such a pessimist, but I would sooner have none of it than the appeasement of a giver that comes with the garnished tentacles of slimy expectations that are none the reward of the recipient. As a person whose love language is ‘Acts of Service’, service that is aimed at the exclusive enjoyment of the receiver with zero expectation of payback is a rather great kindness one sees little of daily. What I mean is this…. I heard a story the other day where I was told that one must always give ones doctor and banker gifts in case the need for preferential treatment is required at a future juncture. I mean seriously. Do people actually fall for and feel comfortable with blatant manipulation? Well if that’s the case I will just list my shopping list below:

1) Brand new Car… maintenance and ALL sundries taken care of till the day I die

2) Home all settled and left in MY will to pass onto whomsoever I feel fit

3) 2 international holidays p/a, of my choice, all expenses paid until I decide otherwise

PLEASE DO NOT BRING ALCOHOL AS DRINKING IS DANGEROUS FOR ME….LOL.

Anyhow, enough of this frivolity. In my recent stumble from poised grace, the one thing that stood out for me was the lack of truly sincere and loving friendships in my own life. Thankfully I like me, for the most part. So if you find yourself out there somewhere and feel the same depressive state of this holiday season just remember: IT IS OK TO FEEL NEGATED BY THE WORLD AT LARGE, I DO TOO. THE TRUTH IS THAT THE DARN WORLD IS MAKING THE SHIT UP, AS ARE YOU AND I, BECAUSE NONE OF US HAS THE PERFECT LIFE. MANY OF US FALL SHORT OF THE LOVING BLUEPRINT THAT IS ENCODED INTO OUR HEARTS. WE AT LEAST KNOW THAT THIS IS TRUE, OTHERWISE WE WOULDN’T RAGE AGAINST ‘THE MACHINE’ SO MUCH.

So if you are lonely, find a map and know that a middle-aged balding but sincerely loving hairstylist that lives in Sandown, Johannesburg, ZA feels the same as you. Together we will pull through this. Goodness knows I need the good vibes and certainly will be sending it with every bit of intention I can muster in my cynical and jaded heart….. lol.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND KNOW THAT THERE ARE STILL SOME THAT BELIEVE IN LOVE.

SIT BACK AND ENJOY A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MIX FROM MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE INTERNATIONAL DJ, DJ STEVIE B.

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PROGRESSIVE HOUSE

CHOOSE ❤️

Stay your amazing self!

✌🏽

AJB•

Picasso’s Face

Johannesburg, South Africa 05:28

I stare at the mirror and look at the distortion looking back at me. An unrelenting headache has plagued the slip on which my head lay for as long as it was hoping for a spark of something familiar. Nothing has changed except the inevitability of Ramaphosa being elected as President of a defunct ANC. Most of SA is on holiday and feelings of dread still plague the thoughts in the eyes that seem so hollow. What the fuck is wrong with me? Girlfriend, fake tan and tinted moisturizer are the order of the day if I am going to actually brave it beyond my self-imposed prison today. Dammit! The Mozzies have left an indelible number of bumps that make an exasperated situation look even worse. Frankenstein. Shit. Aaaaaaargh!

Besides the dishes from last nights supper my home is in order but I get so pissed off because once everything is tidy a mess is simply unavoidable if living is on the cards. Yesterday I had to ask a well meaning but sadly off the mark advice dispensing other to stay away from me because they were so far off the mark the sheer comment was enough to make me want to call a dealer just to prove a point. Luckily I don’t have those numbers on my phone and neither the money. Heck I have survived on R350 this last week. Remarkably it is easy when one can’t force food down ones throat because it means cooking it first and the effort seems bigger than the need for sustenance. Lol. I hate that I have lost weight this week. Although there are those who think it is a blessing to have the weight just fall off in dire straits, I hate looking gaunt and like the damn skinny-malinky Mozzies that chowed down all over my forehead with those Wednesday legs. Scratching myself like a leper to an inch of my life isn’t helping the putting my best Wednesday foot forward either. Fok! It is just all beyond ridiculous.

I really need some kind informed help. The crazy part of all of this is, is that ever since I can remember this dysfunctional behavior has happened. For years I could disguise it with some level of mastery. The truth however is that not relationships, addiction (self-medicating), food, success, failure, religion, lack-of, and or otherwise has been able to drag me away from an inevitable cycle of dread, hopelessness and self-harm. Actually right from being a kid I wished I could be proded like a freakin lab rat to understand why I feel so weird all of the time. Is there something wrong with my brain? Me? As soon as possible I need to get a Dr that must run whatever tests are necessary to try bring a lifelong debilitating end to this cycle. I am tired of rotating on a square wheel. I mean fuck. How much must I take before I actually see myself from a transcendent sphere. I need answers and I need them fast. It would be fabulous daaaaaarling to be able to put a memorandum onto a chapter closed, finally.

Look, I don’t feel pity for myself. Others have things far worse than I do. In fact I actually feel like an overindulged brat because my darkness is hardly comparable to losing everything to natural disaster. The fact remains however that I have been desperately unhappy, fearful of others and locked into a life that comes up empty more oft that not and mostly of my own doing. But I am tired.

There is so much I have never done. I mean I am 43 and I have never gone on a holiday to another part of the world. I did go to Australia and Singapore once on a church thing but that was for a conference. I guess the chips are on the table and finally I need to admit that I need help to get over the next step. This game of ‘gather and destroy’ has gone on long enough and I need resolution.

Perhaps I do need doses of serotonin replacement? Perhaps I need a whole new lease on life? Perhaps I am only now beginningto understand that I can’t do this life on my own and to stop crying wolf when my limited understanding keeps dragging me to an inevitable conclusion.

I know that I am kind, caring and brilliantly creative. I have spent 6 years proving that to myself. Now I guess I need help to feel great about it and to turn into something that yields a life that I have believed I am capable of but have had no idea how to harness.

I guess that age old adage: SHIT HAPPENS, may be the morbid thing that propels each of us to relenting our stances and getting our hands in deeper to affect change in our and the lives of those around us.

It begs the question…. WILL CYRIL’S ANC CHANGE ANY SHIT?

CHOOSE ❤️Stay your amazing self!

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AJB•

Broken

Dear World

I sat lastnight writing a suicide letter. Dramatic, I know, but I am not sure I have, or rather want to be alive. I feel like a slave to my job, my faith, my life. I am looking around I I weep. The fight to go on is less than prevalent. I have fought hard to build a business from nothing and am proud that I have done so. I have tried to find a wealthy benefactor to give me a gap in this world because I can’t breathe anymore. I would like to retreat from life and have a chance to heal. My heart is shattered to the floor as my experiences of life are more weighed on the side of enduring pain than relief. Not all things are bad. But I cannot see myself going on like this for much more. I know that I should fight but I just want to lay for a while. Barely scratching a living for years has finally won. What I hope for is a benefactor to grant me the resources to get to a retreat where I can Center myself and find me again. Truthfully speaking I fail to see the point of building a life if this life is a lonely one. God knows that I have tried to be the best version of me but my heart is not inspired by the lack of meaning. I know that there is supposed to be more and I am, according to my faith, living for what is to come hereafter. If this is the best the best my quest for love, memories, experience and life is, then I want out. I am dead inside a living body. I have thought about whether I should book into a psychiatric ward but I know that I am not the candidate for that, I am not mentally ill, just exhausted. I am not saying that I don’t want to take responsibility for my own choices…. I want to do so so badly but if I could flip a magic switch I would be doing something so different. I would first take time for myself and then I would see which area of service I really fit into. They say I should be incredibly wealthy because of my numerous talents. Well I am not. I look around and I have nobody to turn to. And for years I have turned to my HIGHER POWER, but my relationship is strained with him because my sexuality is , supposedly, contrary to it. I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORCED TO SCRATCHA FEW PENNIES TO PAY FOR MY RENT AT HOME, WORK AND A BIT OF FOOD. That is what the sum total of my life has ended up as. IF I HAD ANSWERS I WOULD DO THAT. I am torn between the need to survive and the need to a life I choose. I NEED HELP. I do know that I want out of JOHANNESBURG. It has won. My experience of this place is cruel. IT SHOULD NOT BE ONLY THOSE THAT CAN AFFORD TO DO SO THAT HAS ACCESS TO BE ABLE TO CHOOSE SOMETHING BETTER. In a lab experiment a cocaine addicted rat is resocialised with other rats and weened off cocaine. This experiment is interpreted as the benchmark by which us humans need others more than we need stuff. Well here I sit having bunked work for days because I cannot do one more day of this life. I WANT OUT. The part that pisses me off the most is that unless I can have the moment to get away, and I am talking about an ‘EAT, PRAY, LOVE’ scenario I will be doing exactly the same cycle again….ZOMBIE WALKING. I can’t anymore. I AM BEGGING!!!! PLEASE DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT. I AM NOT WANTING A FREEBIE…. I AM NEEDING A CHANCE TO FIND ME TO RECREATE A LIFE THAT EXCITES ME. I GIVE UP….AND UNLESS I GET HELP I KNOW THAT THE INEVITABLE IS BECOMING HOMELESS, JOBLESS AND PENNILESS. I do not want that either. PLEASE HELP ME. I need a moment to find reasons to want to live. THE TRUTH IS THAT I DO NOT HAVE ANY HE ACTUAL COURAGE TO END MY LIFE AND I DO NOT WANT TO BE A HOMELESS GUY.

I AM BEGGING TO FIND A RETREAT WHERE I CAN WORK FOR NY STAY, HEAL AND FIND OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY SUPPOSED NUMEROUS TALENTS. I CANNOT BREATHE AND THE END RESULT IS ALWAYS THE SAME…. feelings of suicide that get suppressed by the need to eat so work I must.

PLEEEEEEEEEASE HELP ME NOT HAVE TO DO THAT; AGAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ONE MORE DAY OF A MEANINGLESS LIFE.

I AM BEGGING. My 23 Year career is centered on the idea that I spend my days making people feel great….. but how does one do it if one finds nothing great inside oneself. I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!! I AM FRUSTRATED. I WANT THE SPACE TO HAVE A LIFE THAT IMPACTS THE WORLD IN WAY THAT BRINGS AUTHENTIC LOVE AND LIGHT. I WANT TO LOVE OTHERS OUT OF A PLACE WHERE I DO NOT DEPEND ON THEM TO LIVE. This for me is a manipulative love as it makes one a slave to survival. I AM BEGGING FOR A MOMENT TO REDISCOVER WHY THIS LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE… NOT JUST KNOW THAT I AM ALIVE BECAUSE I STILL BREATHE…. I AM WANT A REAL LIFE THAT ADDS ACTUAL VALUE TO A WORLD WHERE TAKING SEEMS TO BE THE NAME OF THE GAME.

IF YOU WANT TO DONATE TO MY QUEST TO REDISCOVER MYSELF…. I am hoping to find a retreat where I can separate myself from a life of ‘the same old’… PLEASE.

IF I CAN BE SO BOLD AND STATE THAT I WANT TO RAISE AS CLOSE TO R100000. This is why….I can pay the last few months rent in my contact. Move my stuff to a family member, live and eat and then to get to a retreat. This is not a game, scam or a guy looking for a quick buck. Although I am raising funds to save myself… the reality is that we live in a world where money is the currency.

PLEASE DONATE TO:

AJ BEZUIDENHOUT

CAPITEC BANK

1211587280

470010

PLEEEEEEEASE GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO GET A LIFE. MY PURPOSE OF WHICH WILL BE TO THEN TAKE THAT GIFT IF LIFE AND USE IT IN A WAY THAT IS OF DEEPER MEANING TO THE WORLD. PLEASE!

Thank you

FASHIONING

In years gone by, fashioning crafted swords out of blooms of steel, tin and alloy, was a prized skill of the metalsmith. Today although crafted swords are still being manufactured, a lesser weapon in comparison to the nuclear weapons of the modern age. I always ask myself whether this makes us less civilized than we think we are. What do you think? Surely a more civilized society is a more enlightened one? Comparably, the single combat non-contact sport might arguably be a more civilized fight. That’s if the only resolution is combat. And yes I do think that sometimes defense is a necessary evil when innocent lives are being threatened. Gangsterism is in my opinion the most cowardly method of violent resolution.

But what am I rambling on about?

Recently I have been going through an incredibly tough time. The level of stress is taking its toll. The exacting discipline to overcome the difficult circumstances has been exhausting to say the least. It has not been easy to fight my way back from my recent experience but today everything has begun changing.

In an incredible turn of events I was gifted with 2 extraordinary gifts of kindness today. A friend gave a R1000 tip and another that I had borrowed from that was stolen by my scam artist has agreed to do a service exchange for monies owed. As I write this blog the tears just weep uncontrollably. Sometimes, just sometimes goodness comes back to us in the most unexpected ways. But, and there is a but, we need to stay in the fight.

So often in this world we tend to crumble at the signs of difficulty. Although I have been plagued with lower back pain in my attempt to cope with my demands and stress related flu has hit hard, get up and go I have had to do. Agreed I needed time off for a few days to regain the will to fight but done it I have. Not pretty but done. What are you facing that is fashioning you towards greatness? As most entrepreneurs know the hurdles one crosses to achieve ones visions is not a road paved with party lights and decorations. It is tough. But the self-appreciation of goals accomplished is unlike being employed could ever give one. I think this is attributed to the fact that live or die entrepreneurs are their business. The deciding factor, however, is are you the kind of metalsmith that hardens a sword or weakens it? What I mean by this is…. are we the kinds of people that use our gifts to enhance the world, in love, or do we destroy lives by enhancing only our own?

One of the flaws of our consciousness is when we think with small-mindedness.

Part of the responsibility of our particular gifting/s is to share with others as is their responsibility to share with us. No one man has the exclusive right of being uninvolved in life. We are all equally here, right here, right now. Thus the responsibility of being a citizen of the planet that ambassadors the champion cause of making the world a more free and equal place than we inherited it is a must.

Recently a quick read on LinkedIn caught my eye.

It struck me that Africa is starting to ask some valid questions and it makes me proud to witness it. I wrote about this very topic, in a loose manner, in a blog called ‘FAIRY-DUST’.

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FAIRY-DUST

It is time that Africa rises from its spell of thinking the rest of the world is better. Enough global news has clearly indicated that the world is taking strain under egotistical power mongers. It is time for the citizens of this one planet, Earth, to stand and fight for its rightful place to equality. We are Africa and we are amongst the richest continents, if not the richest. It is time for us to put aside our ‘in-house’ fighting and take our brothers by the hand and be united with the cause of raising the failing status of our magnificent continent.

But I am not the only one saying or thinking it!

Zooming back to ZA, Democratic Alliance leader Mmusi Maimane is up’ing the reign on corruption by stepping up anti-corruption units, sending police on training camps for a year to provide better efficiency and service delivery. In a time where the baddie won the match for a while, opposition alliance parties to the ZUPTA ANC are banding together to fight for the Madiba Africa that saw us shine beacons of gold-glazed hope onto the world at large.

The nobility of this non-contact combat against oppression and elitist supremacy is the highest order for which our mutual gain will create more eager to participate integrated societies and willing to share than our current system that enslaves people to capitalist greed. I am not saying that ambition is a bad thing, not at all. However, when ambition is applied to a universal mindset we quickly see that a greater good will yield a standard that gives way to speedier growth and hope. Think about it!

As we head into the holiday season in ZA, I hope that enlightened consciousness fills each of us up. I hope and pray that universality draws us to a brighter better future for all. Let’s make 2018 the breakout year that yields awesomeness and a restored faith in humanity and its dream of a better future. Nothing matters more than treating others as we want to be treated. I am fighting myself, daily, to be a good, kind and productive human. Are you?

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LIVING LOVE LIFE

CHOOSE ❤️

Stay your amazing self!

✌🏽

•AJB•

Breaking the silence

Sandown, Johannesburg, ZA

06:25

Lastnight I had the most restless sleep. It’s understandable I guess. One of the hardest things about being an Empath is this uncontrollable immersion into the feelings or near everything around one. It stands to reason then that my dreams are plagued by the Libyan Slave trade. Gosh, I feel the tears well up as I write this. I am dumbstruck and mortified. Not that I don’t think that minimum wage and ‘sweat shop factories’ are any less expressions of slavery. My heart pounds in my chest as I try evolve myself into some kind of Marvel Superhero. If I had a secret super-power today would be a day that I take out all forms of evil. My heart bleeds for the cruelty of our savage humanity that preens itself as civilized. Hardly!

Not to harp on a subject but even my scamming son-of-a-gun recent BF broke my wisdoms with tales of the difficulties of living an openly gay lifestyle hailing from the Congo. My humanitarian kicked in so hard that all caution was thrown to the wind in an attempt to be a good force in the life of one. I am no saint. Thankfully however, the rhythms of my life have granted me the freedoms to learn from the weights of consequences. And boy do my own inner struggles fight to make their degrading debut from time to time. Fight I must, daily, one step at a time, as the sickening end result is always the same for me…… feelings of self-inflicted death. But this morbid story is not the context of today’s blog.

I often get backlash about my blog. In South Africa, and I guess globally, people meander along the outskirts of inhumanity. I understand this as it is hard to question in oneself if ones beliefs, thoughts or actions are valid. It is hard being uncomfortable with oneself. After some tragic self-inflicted deaths last year I took to blogging, openly living my life on a public platform. It has not been easy and the running commentary, that has gotten back to me has cut deep. I have needed to remind myself that, besides my own clarity of thought the flip side has been wonderful as people have reported being able to find solace from their own struggles. As much as each of us would like to be an island, the gruesome but unavoidable truth is that we each need people. Gosh, I do. To be quite honest the last few months I have been the loneliest I have ever been. With ‘friends’ abandoning me after my scam, some fessing that they disapproved of my multi-racial relationship, and others citing pop psychology of my supposed self-sabotage based on the fact that I got scammed. But anyhow….. as for myself I would allow myself the controversial privilege of falling in love with the right person of colour again. Not that controversy is where it is at. I guess I have just gotten to a point where people are people, skin is merely skin and cultural differences an interesting new learning curve.

One the most fascinating things for me in religious, history books or the lives of heroic people in the world was their ability to put a cause above their own personal immediate needs. I can only hope to be a person like that one day. In my morning quiet time I felt prompted to read a piece in my own faith book, Isaiah 15. It tells of the mourning after he ravages of war. Wealth that was stored up lost to the victors. Again it is a familial historical story….. Pride comes before the fall and consequences are unavoidable.

With the looming questions of a North Korean threat of war, American Trump, ANC corruption, Libyan Slave Trade, natural disasters are we perhaps not being called out of our totalitarian elitism and being tested as to whether our humanity is in tact?

CHOOSE ❤️

#❤️🌍🌈

✌🏽

•AJB•

#standforsomething

IT IS NO SECRET, I STAND FOR AUTHENTIC LOVE ABOVE ALL ELSE.

My favorite international DJ, DJ Stevie B on Mixcloud has dealt another loin-grinding body-shaking mix. I bust a move, alone, in my living room. I simply adore this man’s transitions and vocal choices.

Click ⬇️

DJ STEVIE B

#❤️🌍🌈

My empatheticheart has been tossed like a sailing boat against volatile seas this week, rudderless and torn sails lost to the battle of violent and invasive onslaughts. From being lectured by a complete stranger as to whom, when and how I may be entitled to use terms of endearment, my Mayoral hero Herman Mashaba facing a vote of no confidence by a revolting ANC ZUPTA corrupt gang, our Miss SA/ Miss Universe’s reputation being called out by racist attackers, my personal favorite Miss SA contestant finally being crowned Miss SA and not to mention the Libyan Slave/Torture trade fillingthe news. Never mind the continuous harassment of my own scammers repeatedlytrying to get more money out of me, which I don’thave, with some or other cockamamie story. I am fighting the urge to just give up on life. I don’t want to live in a world like this.

Thankfullythe failed votes of no confidence will dig a deep guttural hole into the failing and corrupt ANC grip.

Thankfully Naomi Campbell is organizing a march in the UK to march to the Libyan Consulate to prostest this disgusting practice. THE WHOLE WIRLD MUST DO THE SAME!!!!

I woke up this morning in my little but beautiful home in Sandown, Johannesburg, ZA and had a deep sense of spiritual connection to my HIGHER POWER. The message to myself , and all of humanity is a stark reminder that nothing under the sun is a secret.

Recently I started an online dating profile. I eventually deleted it because I found myself meeting people who were either judgmental,dabbling in things I don’t want to be part of, or looking to make a quick buck. Being scammed once this year and my heart shattered with little regard is enough thank you. I guess I am just an old-fashioned guy that does not fit into this modern world. A world of opportunists that seem to be riddled by narcissism and nepotistic instincts; mostly.

It’s true….. I do struggle to know authentic from self-serving manipulation.

Look life is better for me than most. As I listened to the emblazoned speeches of Mayor Mashaba and Presidential hopeful Mmusi Maimane I couldn’t help but weep. Our world system as it stands isso unjust. It favoursthe few at the expense of the many.

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MMUSI MAIMANE SPEECH

When will enough be enough?

Yesterday at the Democratic Alliance March seeing the mothers with kids in tow, whom had traveled from afar made me want to quit my life. I was so close to writing a letter to the Mayor asking if I could be sponsored a small wage and work the rest of my life for free to help with the JHB regeneration project. I still might, so torn and conflicted I am.

With increasing measure I cannot reconcile myself to a world where the name of the game is money. The stirring in my soul is for more than minuscule glory. Something that aligns itself to the purpose of using my life to count for the benefit of lives so vandalized by racism, elitism, sexism and classism. I mean what the $@&* is wrong with us?

Slavery still?

So as I grapple with my own disturbances of purpose versus indulgence I leave you, us and myself with this question, “Are we really going to continue to turn a blind eye to the desperation of the world around us, for a bit more stuff we cannot take to the grave?”

CHOOSE ❤️

Click ⬇️

SWEET DREAMS

Stay your amazing self!

✌🏽 AJB•